Achilles Heal

Snacking is my achilles heal.  For sure.  Why I have struggled to lose this annoying 10 pounds that I gained back a year ago is plain for me to see.  It’s the snacking.  PRAISE GOD I can not snack on sweets anymore and thank you God that I also can’t snack on a lot.  I am also so thankful for my family and friends who all hold me accountable when they do see me trying to snack.  If I could have one trivial wish it would be for me to only eat when I am actually hungry.

It’s not just me I realize, I am not alone in this.  But being someone who has lost so much weight and is in general being very successful at keeping it off… this 10 pounds is very annoying.  Wouldn’t it be nice if the weight loss surgery could also solve the food problem I have in my brain?  I would really love for it to…  but sadly that is not the case.  I have to be determined.. I have to be resolute….and I need to just stop being a total idiot.  I know what I need to do… I need to just DO IT!!  

On the plus side I still consider myself a great success story.  I feel like 10 pounds in 5 years is not bad at all.  I eat well and take my vitamins… and I am always sure to eat all my protein.   What I need to get back to doing that I was doing and then stopped… is exercising. I HATE exercise which makes it really hard to want to even do it a little bit.  LOL… but I really need to.  Ugh… so annoying.  Why can’t being athletic just be a natural thing?  Anyway… that is all for now… just wanted to vent/discuss the enemy that is snacking.  I think we can all agree that it is an evil we ALL struggle with.

Stretch Marks and Belly Buttons

It’s still strange sometimes to look in the mirror and see stretch marks that I know used to be in a whole different spot than where they are now.  The tummy tuck scars and muscles have long since healed (it’s been over 3 years now) and everything is as it should be.  Hard to believe that 5 pounds of skin was removed and skin was pulled and moved around to create the nice shape I have now.  Stretch marks that were on my far side are now in the front, and some that were way below or up high are now centered.  It’s a funny thing to see when you really pay attention to stuff like that, which I do. LOL

Also strange and not as attractive is my new belly button. The old ones was removed along with the extra skin and a new one was created.  Sadly this new one isn’t near as cute…  but hey… what can you do.  God didn’t make this one… a person did.  And you can’t ask for perfection from a person. LOL  All I know is I remain incredibly happy with how my tummy tuck turned out.  Having a vertical and horizontal tuck was a great option. It gave me that curve that I wanted (hour glass shape) and as flat of a tummy as I could get.  There is still a small “pooch” because they can only remove so much… but really… who gives a crap?  I mean I had a bunch of skin hanging over and now I don’t.  That is the whole point!  I would say that I am still very happy with these results even a few years later.  

Last Surgical Check-Up + Pic!

Final check up on my left breast was today.  The Ryan Procedure is now 3 months behind me… and I look and feel GREAT!  According to my surgeon, Dr. Momoh...I can go back to all my regular activities now.  Of course… James still wants me to err on the safe said and not do too much heavy lifting.  But that’s ok… that just means I get spoiled a while longer. LOL!

I am so pleased with these results. I can not even tell you how much more confident I feel now about my chest and especially having James see them.  Even my cleavage looks much better!  What a huge relief I feel. I am so thankful that I found a good surgeon who had a good plan of action for me.  I took a quick picture while in the doctor's office so you could see the progress of the incision and all that… healing up so nicely!!

2nd Post-Op Appt + Random Thoughts

I had my second post surgery check up a few days ago.  Everything went great and I was so happy that my surgeon was just as pleased with how things looked as I am.  He said I can resume my regular activities, including exercise, etc.  James and I are of course very cautious however when it comes to lifting things since I have had so many problems in the past… so although I am doing a lot of things like cooking, cleaning, etc… James still doesn’t want me to lift things that are very heavy.  I am sticking to the weight of about a gallon of milk.  That seems to be just right.

My surgeon also asked me how the pain levels were for me after surgery and I told him that it was so tolerable that I was pleasantly surprised.  He had told me it was going to hurt so badly that I was expecting some horrible amount of pain and he said that it can be so hard to judge how each person will handle a surgery like that.  I have decided that I am just a bad ass… and can handle pain like a champ. Lol

Now that everything looks awesome I just feel so much better about my body.  My left breast is no longer totally different looking than the right.  I don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable when James looks at it.  That isn’t to say that I love everything about my body.  The fact is I am a girl… and every girl has something that she doesn’t like.  I don’t blame the media for this like so many people do...because simply put the media only shows us what it knows we want to see.  For centuries women have been trying to look “perfect”.   You can look all the way back to the Renaissance Period and even then we had women who tried to be as skinny as possible by wearing corsets.  As much as “we” all want to say that every size is beautiful… we also mock people who we deem bigger… we make fun of them, cringe at them, judge the clothes they wear, etc.  

Women are constantly judging each other no matter what their size and the media knows we do this… they know we want to see some form of perfect beauty… so they show us that.  They show us what we want to see… it fuels our desire to look more perfect.  Causes it?  No, I don’t think so… but fuels it?  Most certainly.  But again, I don’t blame them… they are just showing us all what we want to see.  And I can admit it… I can admit that I prefer to look at “beautiful” people when I watch shows.  Or when I see a magazine.   So what does that mean for when I look at myself?  I see someone healthy…. Finally.  I also see someone who looks pretty sexy all things considered.  But I also see imperfections.  I see saggy inner thighs that I would love to have fixed.  It’s just what happens when you have weight loss like that.  I also see a very flat and saggy butt… for the same reason.  

There is always something.  Always.  But in the end I am still really happy.  I am so happy that I choose to get healthy.  I can walk long distances, climb hills, ride my bike, and even run if I want.  I can fit into clothes from the regular rack...I feel confident, beautiful, sexy, and alive!!  All of this is so great and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  I am so happy that I opted to have weight loss surgery.  It was truly a life changing experience and all for the good.  

DRIVING!!

Finally allowed to drive!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!   Feels good to be able to get out of the house and do something on my own.  Granted... I can't go do any major shopping or anything... but I can pick up small things and run errands.  Which is better than nothing.  I am not gonna drive a lot though.  Doing big turns where I am pulling on the steering wheel a lot does make me feel sore… I specifically noticed it when I was backing out of a parking space, or using the roundabouts.  So no traveling far for a while. That’s ok.

Still experiencing pain in both areas of my chest, which; as I mentioned before… can only be related to everything healing in general and nerves reconnecting.  I am taking it easy still. I am doing a bit more… but really not a lot more.  Plus… James won’t let me. Lol  Anyway… just a quick update... ttyl.

Feeling Good and Looking Good!! (In a bikini even!)

I am healing up great and I am so happy about it.  My scar looks just as my surgeon said it would and less red than I expected.  I tried on my bikini top last night and was so excited to see that my breasts look great in it!  You don’t see strange looking cleavage anymore and since he essentially tucked it in right where my original scar was, there is now no scar to be seen!  YAY!  (Now all that I need to do is buy a bikini top that will stay on while swimming lol)  I am experiencing a bit of slight discomfort/pain in the middle of my chest and every once in awhile in my right breast.  I imagine this is common and normal.  Just because the surgery was performed on my left side… doesn’t mean the recovery wouldn’t affect the whole area.  Nerves and sensations travel and all that.  But just the same, if I am still experiencing it when I have my next check up, I will mention it.

I am still in shock at how easy the recovery has been for this procedure.  I seriously could have just dealt with the pain and not taken any pain meds if I had wanted to. The healing process has been great… and right from the get go my breast looked amazing…  my surgeon, Dr. Momoh, is just spectacular and I highly recommend him!  

James and the kids are being super helpful still and the only dinners I have cooked are simple things like chicken patties and french fries. Lol  Isaiah has really stepped it up as well and is learning to cook new things.  I should be able to start driving this Tuesday but James still wants me to take it very easy… not drive far at all.  I plan on going back to the library on the first Tuesday of the month of May, and that will also be me taking it very slow… and not going crazy on how many books I reshelve and such.  If I hurt myself doing all that, James would be very annoyed.  

Anyway, that is the update for now.   I am including a pic of me in the bikini.  Why? Because why the hell not that’s why!  LOL  I am happy.

Conquering Emotions/Habits

“You have no power over me.”  -- Sarah Williams (Film- Labyrinth 1986)

This is my new go to quote/saying.  The “You” isn’t a person necessarily… but anything or anyone that I am letting have control over my emotional health and physical health.  Although I love that movie for many reasons that particular quote has been running through my head for a while now (and it will be on my new tattoo) because of recent scenarios in my life.  
The loss of what I thought was a close friendship caused me to be in a deep sadness for almost a year. I hid it well to the world and only discussed it with a few select friends simply because I don’t feel the need to tell everyone.  Despite the sadness of the loss of the friendship, what was equally sad was that I let it affect me the way it did, and for so long.  I allowed this person to control how I felt… and that is unacceptable.  To let this person's’ actions do that to me… it was an eye opener of my lack of control over myself.  

The other scenario (and it’s the one that relates more to this blog) is my constant struggle with letting the urge to snack control me.  Gastric Bypass surgery helps you lose weight, but it’s controlling your mental desires that is the hard part.  The urge to snack is hard for most people who struggle with losing weight, but for those of us who are/were obese… it’s that much harder.  It’s an addiction… and that makes it very hard to handle.  I do well for the most part… I have maintained my weight loss these last 4 years with the exception of this 7-10 pounds I put on over the course of last summer.  I have been doing great these two weeks though, which is awesome… but it’s mostly because I am stuck at home since surgery and James is with me all the time.  It’s rough.  But I have a plan.

Besides my future tattoo being a reminder, I am making things easier for myself at home so I can be in better control.  I eat too many protein bars when they are around so I am not buying those any more… it’s just the occasional 1 here and there… like once a week.  I am also being very careful to leave myself extra calories for the late evening… since I am awake late at night and always want a snack.  The other problem area is cereal.  I don’t really have cereal for breakfast anymore but what I do instead is I will grab a small handful of cereal out of the box and have that.  I possibly do that 5-8 times a day.   Those calories add up!  And although I do count them on the app My Fitness Pal… it makes my calories go faster than I would like.

To fix this problem I have talked with the kids and we have all agreed to buy less cereal, and that when it runs out it is just out until the next grocery shopping trip comes around.  We will all think of other things to eat for breakfast… eggs, fruit, yogurt, toast, english muffins, pancakes,
muffins, etc.  This was we are ALL eating more healthier items, and I am also better equipped to eat healthy throughout the day.  I am happy to have a family that is so willing to adjust their eating habits to better help me.  I would be a mess if I was left to my own devices.

I have gotten close to losing all that weight I put on over summer… but then I have a bad few days and it comes right back.  Then I get close again… then I slip up again.  The bad eating habits I listed above are a major cause of this so I am very excited to be taking one more step to ensure my continued success at being healthy.  I WILL NEVER become obese again…. And I plan on doing whatever I can to ensure it and will always do it in the healthiest of ways.  

So, there you have it… taking control.  Better control over my emotions, and my eating habits.  I want to be able to do conquer these things in my life that in the past I have been a slave to.  Please pray for me about it… every bit of help is good right?  ;)

48 hours After and the First Look!! (Includes a pic with a black out line)

Today I got to finally take a shower.  I had to wait 48 hours since surgery and I was really ready for it. Besides really wanting to see how my breast looked, I also had some seriously oily hair going on. LOL. I was nervous of course about seeing how everything looked.  On previous surgeries when I would look at my breast it always looked awful afterward.  If I was going to give you a word that would come to mind it would be that it looked horrific.  So I was prepared for the worst because the norm is that everything will be swollen and sore and red. I am stuck wearing this huge very snug bra right now for a few weeks so I got ready and took that off… to my surprise, everything looked amazing!!  I mean yah… there is some swelling, and my breast feels hard from it, but man on man, you can tell that the shape is JUST RIGHT!  And it will look perfect when the swelling goes down.  I am so excited about it.  My surgeon did such a great job.  I am very impressed.  It is very very tucked right now underneath, which was exactly what was supposed to happen, and that will eventually smooth out and everything will become relaxed.  I can not even begin to tell you what a feeling of relief I have.  It just feels so good to know that this problem is now taken care of.

At this point it is just all about waiting… waiting a full year for complete healing.  And you know what? I am all good for it!  I don’t mind.  This just makes me feel so much better about how they look and I think I can finally be content with my chest after all this time.  Now I just get to wait for the medical bill to arrive and see what we owe. Lol

So anyway…. There is my quick update.  I am happy…. And that is seriously all I could ask for.  Thank you Lord for leading me to the right surgeon and blessing the procedure.   P.S. The picture below is how it looked this morning. The area I am pointing to is where it is tucked and attached to my rib. That area is swollen and will go down over the course of the year and the skin/scar area will smooth out as well. The breast is swollen too, and feels hard, but that will relax over time as well and look normal. This is so exciting!

Surgery Complete... Recovery in progress.....

I got home from surgery yesterday and as far as I can tell, everything went really well.  With my pain meds (liquid Vicodin) I am tolerating the pain good.  I was taking 2 tsp, but the hospital called this morning and recommended I cut back to 1 tsp since I am doing so well handling it.  Sleeping seemed easy enough.  I can only lay comfortably flat on my back, but that is what I expected.  I tried on my side, but that was not happening.  Even though I am wearing a very snug bra that they gave me, and that I have to wear for like 2-3 weeks straight, I could still feel my breast try to move sideways with me and it just didn’t feel good.  So I went right back to laying on my back.  

Speaking of pain… it’s a very different type of feeling that I am having with this surgery than my previous ones.  It’s hard to explain what it is like… but because my surgeon attached the inner part of my left breast to my top rib bone… I am feeling this strange pressure and odd pain on my rib bones… and it’s just so new to me it’s kind of confusing… makes me unsure of what I can and can’t do physically.  Normally I would think I could lean forward a bit, but I am noticing that right now that bending movement causes a slight pain right on my rib.  I need to be very careful obviously.  

I have not really seen how my breast looks yet.  I can’t even shower until tomorrow, so at this point all I have done is take a peek inside this bra and see the sides.  I can tell that it is VERY tucked in.  Which was the whole point.  He was going to take the area that was sticking out funny, where the implant was basically protruding out and causing a strange extra lump, and tuck that in, so it looked like the other breast.  The part that got tucked in was what he attached to the rib bone.  Right now though it is VERY tucked in… way more than the right breast, but that is normal.  Everything is swollen, and tight, and my surgeon said it will take 6-9 months for everything along the scar to actually settle and smooth out.  The swelling will take a long time to go away as well.  Basically, this means ay swimsuits I wear this coming summer will be tankini’s… no bikini tops. LOL!!  

So…. 3 weeks no driving, maybe longer.  A good 6 months of lifting no more than a ½ gallon of milk, then after that just 1 gallon.  And basically being very careful in general so that way nothing messes this up.  I need this to work.  NO MORE SURGERIES!!  I am so done being a pin cushion.  :)  I will update again after my post op appt next Wednesday.   Hopefully I get told everything is looking great.   P.S. The picture below is me yesterday, and you can see how crazy big this bra I have to wear is... lol.

Tomorrow is the Day!!!

Tomorrow is the day.  Surgery.  I am feeling such a strange mix of emotions.  I feel excited, and happy, and anxious… but at the same time I am very nervous and worried…. Almost scared.  The positive feelings are of course because I am so happy to be getting this taken care of.  I can not tell you what it feels like to look in mirror and see this breast look so different from the other, and not just different, but look “wrong”.  It makes me very self conscience…. Especially around James.  Which I of course know I don’t need to be, but I think it’s just a natural thing us women do… we can’t help but feel like we want to be everything we can for our men… and that means looking as good as we can look.  It’s never realistic to want that of course, but we do it all the same. Lol  Crazy isn’t it though?  Doing something in our minds that only causes us more stress and frustration.  Lol   Girls are crazy.

On the negative side of my feelings… I am really nervous and scared because I have no guarantees that this will work.  The surgeon can not promise me that this will fix my problem… although he does feel confident.  And second, he has told me that this procedure will be very painful, in fact he made it a point to emphasize it.  He said this is because anytime a surgery involves your bones, the pain is just different.  That makes me nervous.  Yep...attaching part of my breast to my top rib bone is gonna hurt.  But will it hurt worse than the other big surgeries I have had?  I have no idea.  It’s so hard to know and I am worried that this will be way harder to take.  

I am thankful however that James will be home with me for the first 5 days, and then after that the kids are on Spring Break.  Having that help at home will be so important.    There are going to be so many basic things that I will not be able to do.  Just lifting my arm to put a shirt on will be tough, can you imagine trying to open a jar of food?  Or even chopping up veggies for a big dinner?  Let alone trying to do laundry.  Ugh.  Yep… I am thankful for help.  Then there will be the whole 3-4 weeks of no driving… and a very long time of not lifting more than 5 pounds.  Which quite frankly there were times after my other surgeries that even 5 pounds seemed like too much.  Lol

So…. here goes the countdown…. Tonight I can’t eat food after midnight.  And then after 9:15am tomorrow morning no more water.  Gotta be at the hospital at 11:15am… surgery is at 12:15pm.   Should last 2 hours, and then another 2 hours of being in recovery.  Hoping to be home around 6pm “ish”.  Please pray that everything goes smoothly…. And that things actually do get fixed.

Staph Infection? YEP!!

Just got a call from my surgeons office. When I had my pre-op appt they did a test in my nose for a Staph Infection... I guess it's very common to have in your nose and is harmless generally, but if you have surgery and were to rub your nose, then touch your surgery site, you can cause the bad kind of staph infection. SO they did the test and I just got the call that I do indeed have a Staph Infection. Didn't see that coming! So, they sent an antibiotic to the pharmacy that I need to use for 5 days before surgery and more Bactoshield (a special soap you use twice while showering before surgery) which I have to now use for 5 days before surgery now instead of just two. Not a big deal really, could be worse and it doesn't affect my surgery day at all. Thank goodness!

Surgical Pre-Op Appt

Today I had my surgical pre-op appointment.  All went well and I am more excited than nervous, although trust me, the nerves are there.  I am having what is called the “Ryan Procedure” done.  Don’t go trying to look it up though, because there are different versions of it and it’s hard to find the right description online.  But basically they are suturing the inside of my breast down to my top rib bone.  It’s going to be horribly painful, and I am not looking forward to that part at all.  

I will not be allowed to drive for 3 weeks.  I might have a drain coming out of my breast, but it’s a big might.  Most likely not.  Not allowed to lift more than 5 pounds (if not less) for 6 weeks, and no repetitive movements with both arms.  This includes dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc.  6 weeks sounds like a long time of course, but it wasn’t long enough after the other surgeries I had, so even though they are saying 6 weeks… most likely I will wait MUCH longer than that.  Which will suck, but it needs to be done.  I have to be SURE this procedure heals really well.

This will be the LAST attempt to fix my breast…. the last.  I am very hopeful that this new surgeon will be able to get this taken care of but if not, well, there won’t be anything I can do about it.  I am going to pray that his solution works, and if it’s doesn’t, I am just gonna hope that it doesn’t look worse! LOL   

I am thankful that James can take a few days off after my surgery, and then the kids have Spring Break after that.  It will be helpful in my recovery.  However, it would be even more helpful if there was a live in nurse!  LOL  I could for sure use some help with getting groceries, picking up and taking the kids places, and basic household cleaning.  But hey, we will get by.  We have done it before right?  

Anyway… that is the update.  Surgery is March 29th.  I will update you further as time gets closer.  

P.S.  If you don’t know why I am having surgery…. here is a link to that post.
http://ecm1980.blogspot.com/2015/04/vegasfebruary.html

Change in Caloric In-Take

I have been struggling since summer of 2015 to get back down to the weight I prefer, which is 153 pounds.  I have been doing well… even got down to 156…. but I have noticed that even one or two bad says means I put on 3-4 pounds and I am back to where I started.  Preventing snacking at night is the rough spot, since I stay awake so late.  It always means I want to snack out of hunger or really just plain boredom.  SO… in an effort to help myself I have reduced the amount of calories I am taking in per day from 1600 to 1400.  This way… if I slip up a bit it isn’t going into the 2000 mark… but is probably not gonna hit higher than the 1600.  However, the goal of course is it to stay in the 1400. This is day two of it and so far so good.  I did great yesterday.  Right now it is 4:16pm and I have 375 calories left.  I hope I can make it until bedtime. lol  

I feel like if I can do this for 2 weeks it will become my new habit and that should make it easy for my body to lose and maintain my goal weight.  Fingers crossed!

On another note, my surgery date was changed again… the doctor will not be available for whatever reason and so now it is happening on March 29th.  Still works out good and I should hopefully be healed by summer.  Again, fingers crossed.  I have no idea how long it will take to heal from this surgery and I am quite frankly very scared of how much it will hurt, since my breast will be getting stapled to my ribs.  ugh…. very nervous.  I know I am gonna probably need the pain pills after this surgery, whereas after the other ones I was able to tolerate the pain pretty well and stop the pain meds a couple days afterward.  I really hate taking any kind of drugs. But this time will have to be an exception I know… *sigh*   

Anyway… I will update again soon on how I am handling this caloric change… hopefully it will be a smooth change and I don’t have trouble with it.  Pray for me!!  lol