Scar Picture Update

So...I realized that in two more months it will be 2 years since I had reconstructive surgery…..and I have not posted updated photos in a LONG time.  So here we go…..I am posting pics and please be aware that this is me trying to be as appropriate as I can be but still show how things look.   And yes...my hair looks crappy because I just took a shower like an hour ago....lol...deal with it. lol My scars are continuing to fade really well....I still put on cocoa butter lotion to help them along and the only thing noticeably different from the scars on my tummy versus my chest is that the ones on my chest are a brighter red since I had surgery more recently on them. But just like with my tummy...those will fade more and more. Sorry the pics are not better....it's hard to take them on my own. lol

NO BRA!

Last night was the first night since I had my breast implants put in that I slept without my sports bra on.  Figured I would give it a try again since it had been awhile since the last attempt.  This is the first time I was able to keep it off ALL night long.  It’s not like it’s uncomfortable to sleep with it on of course...but I would prefer to not so I have been waiting for it to feel good enough to leave it off.  The previous attempts failed because I just didn't feel like my breasts felt quite right without the support of the bra.  This time it was all good though….and I woke up feeling so happy about it.  I may try it again tonight and see if this can become a regular thing.   

Now if I could only sleep on my stomach again.  Man I miss that.  I have always been a tummy sleeper and these new boobs do NOT feel good being laid on yet.  Not sure if it ever will either.  I have a couple friends who say they have had no problem with it but maybe that just comes with time. I will just have to wait and see I guess.  For now, I suppose I could look up that special pillow that they have for women who have implants.  It enables you to lay on your stomach and has a spot for your breasts to “rest” in. lol  Sounds hilarious and dumb I know, but I am telling you, I would use it! Tummy sleeping is so peaceful.  

Anyway...just wanted to give that small update.   ;)

Holiday Feast #1

Thanksgiving was a success…..quality of food and with how much I ate.  I did really good and although I am sure I ate more calories and fat in one meal than I should have I think I did great overall for the whole day.  It seems like holidays are so much easier to deal with now that I have a smaller stomach that can only hold so much anyway.  lol   That really helps.  Still maintaining my weight between 153-155….and still hoping to get lower to 145.  I know it would be easy to do if I could just stick to my 1600 calories a day every single day, but to be honest sometimes I just go to 2000 calories anyway….because I can’t help but want something else to snack on in the evening.  Not the worse thing in the world but I do need to practice maintaining it ALL the time versus solid for one month then a break for a week.  I know I can do it…..all about simply DOING IT!!  

I am still praying diligently about my breasts and how they are healing up.  I ask for contentment, and healing, and also for guidance in how to proceed if after a couple years James and I decide to get a second opinion on the area we are not quite as happy with.  I am so thankful that I have breasts that look great, considering how NOT great they looked after all the weight loss, but it would also be great if they both looked exactly the same.  lol

In other news...changing our peanut butter to the PB2 brand, which cuts the fat of peanut butter down by like 85%, has been a huge success.  I have also changed our syrup to only sugar free.
My daughter has been an avid pb&j sandwich girl for many years and although she is by no means overweight, she does have my body type and I want to ensure she learns to eat right now, so she can be healthy as an adult.  I have already noticed a change in her shape since we started the food change….she has gotten taller of course...so that could be part of it, but her tummy is flattening and I am so excited for her...I know it has been something that has bothered her for so long.  The old she gets the taller she will get, she will continue to slim out and with the healthy way of eating she and my son will have a great chance at being healthy adults!  AWESOME!!!  

Anyway...so that is the current update….Christmas is next….and hopefully that food festival will be just as good for me.  :)  

No More Bath Time

Just wanted to share a quick update.  It has been 10 days since I fainted and got a concussion in the process.  I am doing so much better now and I am very thankful for it.  The first 5-6 days seriously sucked.  I felt so tired, and my head was almost constantly hurting.   Even worse than that though was how confused and just foggy my head would feel while doing more than one thing at a time.  God forbid someone try talking to me while I was cooking, or reading, or anything….even though I could hear their words it was like I couldn't make sense of them.   I was some how unable to process the meaning and it would just make my head hurt worse.  One time I was cooking and then Evelyn handed me a paper to read about a project she had to do and even though I read it twice I just couldn't understand what the hell it was trying to say...then just trying to read it more made me head hurt even worse, and I just had to give it to James for him to look at it.   So frustrating.  It is truly the strangest feeling.  

But I am doing much better now….I still get slight headaches here and there but nothing compared to that first week...I would say I am 95% better.  I am planning on exercising today with my neighbor, I will mostly be riding my bike which I have made into a stationary bike for the winter.  So that shouldn't be too hard on me.  I will also be heading into the library today where I volunteer and although I won’t be staying too long I think my head can handle some pricing of books in the store and re-stocking of the shelves.

There was more thing I wanted to mention in this blog before I finish up.  I think I should be done taking baths...like forever….which probably means I also shouldn't use a hot tub ever again as well.  You see usually when I take a nice hot bath (since my weight loss surgery) my body starts to feel way overheated and I get lightheaded about 10 minutes into it.  Which sucks because then I feel like I am wasting water.  Last night I took a bath and despite bringing a glass of ice cold water with me that I could drink while in the bath I STILL got that same feeling and had to get out and lay on the bed until I was cooled off.  I could tell that if I had waited any longer to get out of that bath, I would have fainted again.  So….I have decided that this is just not worth it.  I can not risk fainting while in the bath or while getting out of it so I am thinking that I will not be taking any more of them and I probably should never get in a hot tub again either just to be safe.  Obviously my body can no longer handle heat like it used to and I really can’t risk fainting just so I can relax in a bath for 30 minutes.  This is of course a bit sad….because I seriously do love taking a nice bubble bath.  lol   But oh well….I also really don’t like feeling so light headed that I might faint...the answer is clear.  

Halloween Concussion

Well….you would think that after 3 years I would know how to properly take care of myself and yet here I am still dealing with my own stupidity.  October 31st, at 7am I passed out while getting Isaiah out the door to the bus.  I was dehydrated as usual when this kind of thing happens and not only did I pass out but this time I fell forward because it happened so fast I didn’t have time to prepare my body.  I hit the ground and hit my head.  ugh.  James heard me fall and came downstairs immediately.  I woke up very disoriented as is normal, and James was taking care of me.  He said I was unconscious for about a full minute and after a while I was ok to walk and had him take me to the bathroom...where sadly….I passed out again.  At least this time he caught me.  lol   I figured I would feel better after a couple hours but I didn’t….I kept having head pains...feeling icky, and just very tired.

Finally had my parents take me to the hospital where they told me I was indeed dehydrated (duh) and that the hit to my head against the floor was a mild concussion.  I have never had one before and didn’t realize how painful and frustrating they can be.  It hurts to concentrate hard on anything...it’s like my head immediately starts hurting, and God forbid I try to do more than one thing at a time.  Driving sucks too….the motion is not fun.   And I feel even more tired than usual.  I am supposed to limit my screen time (so typing this probably isn’t good) and not doing any exercising, or other household chores that require a lot of effort.  That is fine with me!! lol  

So basically I really need to be diligent about getting my fluids in, which is something that I have told myself so many times and yet I don’t know why it is something I still struggle with occasionally. Really need to be better about it though since this whole passing out thing is getting tiresome.

3 Years!!!

Had my 3 year check up today at the Barix Clinic. WOW! 3 years already? Everything is going great!!! My blood work was perfect. Every single thing is where it should....every vitamin level...including iron! I am still at the same weight and even better I am still at 85% excess body fat weight loss which is ABOVE average for that surgery. I feel so good about it. I feel like I am confident, healthy, learning more and more about my body all the time and what it needs to remain in a continued state of health. I am so blessed.....it is crazy how much God has given me...from the support of family, to the support of friends...it is just amazing. Thank you!!!

Weight Loss and Exercise

Feeling really great today!!  I have been doing so wonderful at maintaining my 1600 calories (give or take) a day and keeping the fat intake low as well (under 45 grams) that it has really started to show on the scale.  After I had my tummy tucks and healed up I initially weighed 145….I loved that weight but ended up gaining a bit and settled at 153.  Then in California I gained that 9 pounds which was frustrating, but easy to do while on vacation.  I am happy to say that not only have I lost that 9 pounds but as of this morning I am weighing in at 151.7.   WOOHOO!!!  I can not even tell you how helpful using that My Fitness Pal app has been in making this happen.  It is so much easier to track my food with that then it ever was having to write everything down.

I feel like 1600 calories a day is still a great number.  If my weight goes down a bit more that is awesome, or if I maintain this that is awesome too….either way I am feeling fantastic knowing that by following this routine I can successfully maintain my current weight and be satisfied.  Can’t get better than that right?  

I should also mention that the weather is changing and so of course it is a tad colder in the mornings now which is leading to not so pleasant temps for bike riding in the morning.  BUT, I really do love riding my bike and it helps to burn so many calories.   SO…..I ended up saving some money and bought myself an indoor bike trainer bicycle stand.  If you don’t know what that is, it is a device that attaches to the wheel of your bike and it allows you to ride your bike as if it was a indoor stationary one.  It is magnetic as well so I can adjust the resistance.  I am so excited about this product!!  This will make it so easy to burn calories anytime I want….especially if I know I will be going out to a restaurant or something like that and I need that extra bit of cushion.   The winter months just make it hard to get out and exercise, and I really don’t enjoy the gym….AND, the treadmill doesn't burn enough calories...unless you are a runner of course, which I am not.  It should arrive by this Wednesday so I will let you know what I think of it once it has arrived.  :)

All is well.....which is awesome!

Well hello there.  Things are going really well.  I have been sticking to my 1600 calories 98% of the time (the occasional slight overage happens once in awhile.) and I have lost all the weight I gained while in California.  I am working on getting down to 150 pounds right now.  James and I agreed that would be a good next step onto my end goal of 145 pounds, which is what I was at immediately after the tummy tucks.  I do realize that 5 pounds isn't

a huge difference.  But it is where I would like to try to be and so I figure it couldn't hurt to continue with the same 1600 calories and see if my body does it on it’s own.  If it does great, if not great.  Either way 1600 seems to be a really great caloric intake for me and I am excited to have found that magic number.

I have been exercising regularly still although I did just take a week off.  Lots of different things were happening and it was nice to have that extra free time.  Getting back to it tomorrow, although I don’t think I will be able to do any outside bike riding because the weather is now changing and it is getting more than a bit cold in the mornings.  So back on the treadmill I go which is really NOT my idea of fun.  I despise running and really treadmills are boring.  But I gotta do what I gotta do.  I am hoping that I can maybe buy one of those devices that lets your outdoor bike turn into an indoor stationary bike for the winter.  That would be so nice.  Then I could ride it whenever I wanted and earn back calories whenever I needed too as well.

I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon this coming Saturday.  I am going to tell him that I am doing my best to be content with my breasts and like them how they are...which is true.  No more surgeries for a long time, even if I am slightly unhappy with a couple small details.  I need to just trust him when he says that these things are not big deals and that really it would cause more problems if he did try to adjust it.  So….I will do that and then at home continue to pray to God every day about helping me to be content and accepting of how things are.  i can’t change my mind set on my own...only with God’s help can I do that.  :)

Fitness Pal

I use the My Fitness Pal app everyday...and sometimes I see the posts other people make (kinda like a status but it is in a forum) while I am using it on the actual PC. Today I came across one that floored me. Here is what the lady wrote:

-----> So, today I'm having lunch in a food court with work colleagues. I'm eating my turkey sub from subway and drinking water - all good. Out of nowhere this guy comes to the table and asks if he can speak with us - me in particular. Now this is not overly unusual because we all work at a local church which is heavily involved in the community. So, I say sure. He then proceeds to say to me "I just want you to know that there is help available for someone like you; I'd like to help you". He went on to say how he attends a gym and would be willing to workout with me and help me with my 'problem'!!! I was horrified!! In 38 years this has never happened to me! I was humiliated! I was polite and thanked him for the offer and suggested I probably would not take him up on it - but inside I just wanted to die. None of my colleagues know I'm working so hard to lose weight, and at only 8kg loss, they can't tell. So, I just had to act like this didn't bother me. As we left, one of the men on my team went and spoke to said stranger about the inappropriateness of what he'd done - but no one could really feel how gutted I was. I mean, I know I'm big, but how big must I be that a complete stranger felt so compelled to come and 'help' me!!! I just have to keep moving forward - I've made such great progress and I can't let this ignorant person discourage me - but I just wish people thought before they 'helped'! <----- p="">

I feel so bad for this lady (and commented on her post to tell her so). I can only imagine if something like this had happened to me when I was bigger I would have probably cried afterward. I am sure the guy had good intentions...but being that he has most likely never had a weight problem in his life he had no idea how this kind of comment would effect this lady.

It's not like when you are overweight, especially by a lot...that you are not aware of it. We are. Trust me. We don't need to be reminded everyday since we get reminded by the mirror. lol Something similar to this happened to me only once...but not quite as bad. I was at a gyno appt and the doc did my exam and while sitting there going over the results with me she then says, "You do know you are overweight right?" In my head all I could think was, "Um....duh!!! No I thought I had a supermodel body ya dumb B*tc$!".....but I didn't say that. I said, "Yes, I know." And she then said I should consider losing weight for my health. Again....DUH!!!!!! lol Ugh....yes it is the job of a doctor to help you get healthy but man the way she came out and said it was just lame and....well....dumb. lol Anyway.....just wanted to share this ladies story....the lesson here is simple....Don't tell strangers you can help them lose weight. Leave that to their caring friends/family who hopefully know how to approach the subject better.

Belly Button

I have decided that I like my new belly button a little bit more now.  I kid you not….when I got the new belly button along with my tummy tuck I was not happy with it...I previously had a nice innie...and after surgery (and until recently) it was a very obvious outie.  However with time comes improvement and I noticed two nights ago that now when I am laying down it is not near as “out” as it used to be.  Still not an innie, and probably never will be, but at least now it looks better and I don’t feel like covering it up.  lol  

Funny how something so small like your belly button can make you feel self conscious huh?  I would be out in the sun in my swimsuit and feel like I should have my hand over my stomach or something so it wasn't protruding out like crazy.  Maybe this is a silly thing to even be writing about but when I noticed it, I just got excited.  lol  Couldn't help it.  I said to James, “LOOK!!...My belly button isn't as dumb looking anymore!”  lol  Anyway...just wanted to share.  :)

Caloric Intake

So things are going really well.  I have lost 4 of the 9 pounds gained back but I am having a hard time getting the rest off...so in an effort to accomplish that goal I have decided to adjust the amount of calories I am taking in everyday.  Instead of just keeping it at a steady 2000 I have gone down to 1600.  I am really hoping that it helps get me back where I (and the doctors) agree that I should be.  James has been really supportive as well and is helping me with food choices and reminding me that snacks are not needed unless I am hungry.  I am so bad about snacking when I am bored.  Of course it always helps that I can’t fit a lot in my tummy...lol...but still...snacking just to snack is bad...and I need to work on that habit and knock it out of my system.  

So far I am doing good though with the new calorie amount.   The hardest part is remembering to include my drinks; like milk and juice.  I am so used to just drinking those without a care in the world.  ugh….I seriously love orange juice.  I could drink that all day long.  

I have been going on long bike rides 3 days a week still and will continue to do so until the weather no longer allows it.  Usually I bike 10-13 miles and although my butt and legs are always super sore afterward it feels great to be burning calories and staying in shape.  I can’t wait until I can start lifting weights again though since right now it feels like my arms are as weak as a toddlers.  It’s very frustrating to not be allowed to lift more than a gallon of milk but I know it’s for my own good and for the healing of my body.  But man on man a year sure does take forever to go by doesn't it?  Especially when you are waiting.  lol

Still actively praying for improvement in appearance in my left breast as it heals up.  Just wish the implant itself didn't show as much as it does.   BUT, I am also praying for God to bring me contentment and acceptance about how it looks and to help me just be thankful that I have great looking breasts now instead of the flat empty things I had after all the weight loss.  I don’t think I am being too picky about wanting the left one to look as great as the one on the right, even James agrees that when it comes to something like this, you should expect and want things to look as good as possible since it is a part of me...however, I am trying to accept that the left side has been through a lot, and there is a lot of scar tissue, so sadly it just isn't as strong and may have to just stay this way.  And really it doesn't look bad….just different than the other slightly.  So like I said...praying about it a lot and giving it a year to see how things “settle”.  

Despite the slight weight gain I am still wearing a size 10 and man does that make me happy.  I plan on being a size 10 forever!!  There is no way in hell I am going back to anything higher and I am not embarrassed to say that I am super proud of myself.  One for continuing to eat right, second for being open to James’ advice and concerns when he sees me messing up or needing reminders about things, and also for being determined to maintain my desired weight and actively doing things to make that happen.  This is a lifelong lifestyle!!!   Surgery is not a magic pill and you have to really work hard at maintaining what it helped you get.   

On my way.....

Doing good on trying to lose that weight that I gained back.   I have lost 2.5  pounds of it so far.  It’s hard to keep myself patient about it however.  As in the past, I still can’t help but expect instant results and so sometimes I get disappointed when the scale isn't going down in numbers as fast as I would like.  But patience is a virtue and as long as I am doing what I should….everything will “come off” in time.   

Using the app My Fitness Pal is really great in helping me keep track of what I am eating.  James has been really supportive and is also using the app along with me.  It’s nice to have him along for the ride, and of course he has some weight he wants to lose too, so it all works out.  

Since putting on the foundation makeup over the scars on my chest I am working really hard at “liking” my breasts as they are.  I still don’t fully love how the implant in the left one is kinda visible, and I can feel it….but according to everyone else who has seen it they only notice it when I point it out...so I guess a lot of it is just me being way too picky.   James also says it doesn't bother him at all...so I am trying to make it a point to just tell myself that they look great whenever I catch my inner thoughts turning negative.

Tomorrow I am going thrift store shopping and plan on buying some more shirts for myself.  I have recently gotten rid of a lot of tops because I realized that they were not quite my style like I originally thought they were.   It feels great to know that I bought them at such a cheap price so getting rid of them leaves me feeling guilt free.  Even better is I have a coupon for 50% off of my entire purchase….so that seriously rocks.   If I am lucky I will even find a couple skirts, or maybe even dresses.  I don’t think I will ever get tired of being able to buy cute clothes in the normal section of the store.   Going to the plus size section to shop while my other friends were in the normal aisles was always annoying and just plain sad.  I can’t even express how great it feels to hang out with my friends and look at the same racks as they do now.  :)   It’s a huge deal...and I just love it!  

The Doctors Opinion is.....

Yesterday was my check up with my plastic surgeon.   It went well.  We voiced our concerns and he didn't agree with us, but after much talking and looking and marking me with a pen we agreed to give it more  time and see how things went.  The bottom area (which is the area I have the most problem with) of my left breast he said is just how it is going to look.  He said many women have that going on and it is just normal for some women who have weaker muscle there to have the implant slightly show.   I don’t like it, but I know I can deal with it.  

The other thing we were concerned about what the cleavage area on the left breast.  He felt confident however that what was happening is that because the scar is in the wrong place it is giving a false appearance of looking way different than the other breast.  The eye is drawn to the scar (which at this point would be too hard to try to change because it would mess up the other one) and when you are just looking at that it makes the cleavage look wrong.

He suggested that I try putting some makeup on it for awhile so the scar is not noticeable and then see what I think.  Decide if what I am noticing is just the scar playing tricks on me or is there actually a problem.  He also wants to just wait a while longer since I just had surgery and the tissue needs time to heal up still.  And I agree….it would be nice if my body could actually go a full year without having surgery.  lol

I came home and put some foundation on my scars.  Right away I noticed that they did look better.  I still see a slight area that I wouldn't mind fixing in the cleavage...but overall it looks great when the scar is covered up so I can only imagine that it is just the scar playing tricks on our eyes.  

In other news….while in California I gained 4 pounds, and then when I got home I gained another 3 because I was going out to eat more than a few times and even though I picked healthy choices it is hard to know exactly how much fat is in everything.  SO….I am being very very strict on my eating for the entire week, and not weighing myself either, in an effort to take those pounds off.  I am assuming a week should be more than enough time to take almost all of that off.  When I am very strict I lose it pretty fast and so far I am doing good.  I will probably be having lots of smoothies and fruits and such….luckily right now I am really enjoying plums and raisins as snacks.  I will keep you updated as to how losing this perky 7 pounds goes.  Crazy how just eating too much fat for a couple weeks can make weight come on me so quickly with this new stomach….but thankfully it can come off just as quickly too.  

Back From Vacation

My 4 week long trip to California was a success.   I did really well in regards to not lifting a lot of things.   Isaiah was so helpful and so was Evelyn which was very appreciated.  I am healing up really well still and I would say my right breast is for sure my favorite.  It looks near perfect and has healed up the best.   The left breast is not as great but isn't bad either.   The implant shows more and the cleavage area is not quite right.  This is probably due to the weak tissue holding the implant in.  My surgeon had made the decision to not use a product called Alloderm Mesh on the inside of my breast to hold the implants in place because it is pretty costly...but he did say that we would see how things went and then if we need to use it we do and if not we don’t.  

James wants to fix these small problems though because for one it would look better and two, our deductible has been met for the year so if we are going to do it we may as well do it this year.  Makes sense to me.  I am done worrying about how many surgeries I have had because at this point I am just resigned to the fact that my skin has been traumatized, I have lots of scar tissue, I am lacking in nutrients which would help me heal normally, and my skin was stretched a lot from the weight gain...so….it isn't surprising that I am having lots of problems.  I trust my doctor however and he always has my best interests in mind so I am happy with that.  

I have my appointment to see my doctor on August the 2nd and we will discuss our concerns then and also see what he thinks.  I feel like I am ok with whatever gets decided.  I would like things to look better, but if my doctor thinks this is fine for now I am ok with that too.  At this point I know I just need to be thankful for what I have.  

Driving the MiniVan

The road trip we take to California each year is fast approaching. We leave in four more days! YIKES!  lol  I gave back my parents small car that they had been letting me use and began driving my minivan once again to make sure I got used to it.  I am SO SO glad that they let me use their smaller/easier to drive car after my surgery because it obviously made all the difference.  Now when I drive my minivan I it doesn't hurt at all.  At first it was just too painful to pull that big steering wheel like I had to...but with the smaller car it was so much easier and it enabled my muscles to heal up so much faster.  Now I can drive the van easily and I feel confident that I will have no problems at all driving to California.  SO thankful.  :)  

Still healing up really well and getting in some light exercise too.  Going on bike rides (not going fast though, just cruising along) and taking walks to keep myself active.  I can tell it is helping me heal and stay in shape and I hope I find some time to do the same while I am in California too.  I just wish we could bring all our bikes with us there, but that just isn't going to happen.  Anyway...so healing up well...staying active...and just enjoying life in general.  I call that SUCCESS!!  :)  

Everything Went Well.....

Well my procedure was in  the morning...bright and early in fact.  I had to be there at 6am which although made me happy to get in and out early, I was of course unhappy to wake up so soon. Everything went really well though and although I am currently experiencing some pain it is very very minor and I didn’t even bother having my surgeon write a prescription for pain pills.  I never take them anyway so what is the point?  The cleavage area that he fixed looks way better than it did.  Slightly swollen right now, I can feel the water under the skin from it but I suspect that in less than two weeks that will be gone.  Also by then the wound itself should look much better and I think I will be comfortable in a swimsuit.  That is of course kinda important to me right now since in 9 days I leave for our trip to California and I will want to be able to at least tan and sit in the pool.  I can’t actually do any real swimming of course...that would be painful...but I can relax in the pool and I am fine with that.  

I will take a pic and post it on here as soon as I can.  I want to try to wait until the scar isn’t so fresh because I think if any of you saw it right now you would think it wasn’t actually looking that great. lol But I swear it is and I feel really pleased.  My implants are still in place and so as long as I continue to be careful my breasts should continue to heal up and I shouldn’t need any more surgeries.   Crossing my fingers for that big time (And praying) because I am just so done with getting put under anesthesia.  

One of my big problems with it is that every time I have surgery and I am put under anesthesia the next while I can’t sleep good.  I had just started sleeping well again a few weeks ago after the last procedure and now here I am, after this one and I went to bed and woke up at 2am...unable to get back to sleep.  I have tried almost everything too.  It’s very annoying and I don’t know why it affects me like this.  So far tonight I have had 3 hours of sleep.  I am for sure going to need a nap.  I hope this one doesn’t last too long, it is very annoying and will do me zero good when we drive to California.  I need to be able to sleep as much as possible then.  I feel like I should maybe start taking a bit of Melatonin at night, that could possibly help me stay asleep.  Think I will do that tonight.  

Anyway, so that is the basic update for now.  Still healing up well...still maintaining my weight...and really just feeling good in general.  Crazy how much this whole weight loss adventure has improved my life.  Yah I have had to go through a ton of reconstructive surgeries...but man oh man has it been worth it.  I feel younger, healthier, and happier.  You can’t put a price tag on that.   

Set Date!

Received the phone call today from my surgeons assistant that I am having that quick fix done on my cleavage on June 10th.   Prep time+surgery+recovery should be about an hour altogether, maybe 90 minutes.   Can’t wait to have good looking cleavage again and feel good in my swimsuit.  :)  James is going to work from home that day so he can take me to the hospital and bring me home.  Very glad he will be able to join me for this one as he has been unable to for the last few.  I will know what time I have to arrive some time this week when the hospital calls and lets me know.  Hoping it is in the morning so I can get it done and get home.  :)

Happy to be WRONG!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I don’t think I have ever been so happy to be wrong before in my life.  My appointment went so great!!  My implant in my left breast is NOT out!!!   You have no idea how relieved I am.  The area I saw that looked so similar to when my implant was out is just me seeing the implant a bit because the muscle in my chest that covers my implant does not go all the way down.  But everything is still in place, the right shape, and healing up well.   I am so so so relieved...you have no idea.  

As for the pain I have been experiencing in my right top breast area that is the muscle.  I probably pulled it when I reached up and pushed that thumb tack in and now it just needs to heal.  I am supposed to massage it even though it hurts when I do it.  

As for that area in the middle of my chest, where the skin is doing a “tuck” thing where there should be nice cleavage, my surgeon admitted that it looks like that is his fault...he added a couple extra stitches when he obviously didn't need to.  Since that is a quick 20 minute procedure where he simply takes those out and lets the skin relax he is going to get me in for that before I leave for my road-trip to California on June 20th.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will have good looking cleavage for swimsuit wearing.    

I can not even tell you how excited I am.  I got in the car in the parking lot of the hospital and started crying tears of joy.   I was so scared and worried, I don’t think I realized just how much I did NOT want to go through another extensive procedure.   Praise God for answered prayers.  I feel so happy. I should be getting a call soon about what day I am going in for that quick fix and I can NOT WAIT!!!    

DAMN IT!!!! AGAIN!!!!!

Wanted to quickly share that I am 90% positive my left implant is back out again. Agh!!!!!!!!!! I don't think this is my docs fault.... or mine. I think my breast just doesn't have the tissue needed to support this well. They have been through so much. I have my appt this Saturday. To say

I'm upset is an understatement. I have been suspecting this for a few days. I think it will need that fake skin. .. the Alloderm...that goes over the stitches on the inside....to make this work. I'm so upset.

The only positive thing is that I will have already met my deductible and our out of pocket expenses, so it should be damn near all covered when I go back in..... AGAIN!!!! Why is this happening? I just don't get it. It's like my breast just rejects the f'n implants or something. UGH!!!

When I do have surgery it will be after our trip to CA...there is just no way around that.  I have to be able to drive comfortably and I want to be able to swim as well.  Damn it....I am just so mad.  I will know more of course after my appointment but I am really positive it is out.  When I lift my left arm you can totally see it underneath, just like before...thankfully...so far, the right one seems to be ok.   :/

Chest Bone Uncertainty

My appointment/check up on the 31st can not come soon enough.  I have more than a few questions and one concern.  The concern is in relation to a pain (moderately painful)
I am having on what I think is either the bone that goes down the middle of my chest or it might be the spot where one of my ribs start right next to that chest bone.  Either way all I know is that when I move a certain way, or when that bone is even a little pushed on it really hurts.  I can only imagine that with all the massaging I was doing to that area to help the swelling go down I possibly bruised the bone….can that even happen?  I have no idea.  I am no longer massaging it though since I don’t want to make the area more sore.  I am pain free right now except for that.  

Luckily, that pain has nothing to do with my implants as far as I can tell...but I am wondering if maybe the pain is in relation to the surgery somehow, or like I suspect, related to the massaging.  Hard to know really.   But I am anxious to find out and have it get better.  The other questions I have for my surgeon are just about the way one breast feels in a particular area versus the other one….stuff like that.  All things that will be easy answers for him but that I have no clue about.  

In non boobie related news, still maintaining my weight, eating well, and exercising 3 days a week.  Of course right now the exercise is limited to walking on the treadmill or outside, but something is better than nothing.  I feel good about just being able to any form of a workout at this point.  

Still weighing myself everyday to keep a close tab on how I am doing.  I bounce between 153 pounds and 154 pounds.  Not bad.  It’s where the docs want me to stay anyway so that is fine.  I was using the My Fitness Pal app pretty religiously but it has been almost a month of not using as of late.   I seem to be doing ok without it though...I think I know by heart which foods are how much fat and how much of them to eat per day.  The only time I really need it is when I am at a restaurant and need to know how much fat is in their food.   Which of course...is usually too much anyway.  lol

I am DUMB!!!!!!!

Well...sometimes I just feel like I must be the dumbest person around.  Yesterday I was helping Isaiah hang up a large poster in his room and since I am taller than he is I was reaching up and trying to push in a thumb tack.  Not realizing that it would be hurt, I pushed it in.  It did hurt.  And then my dumb ass decided to push one more in for good measure.  ugh.  All I can do is shake my head at myself really because after the first one I should have just stopped.   The entire rest of the day I was hurting, not terribly, but hurting, and this morning, after a long nights sleep, I thought I would feel fine but I am still sore.  Just 30 seconds ago while typing this I received a    sharp pain that really hurt.   :(

Of course I can’t help but be worried that I injured myself.  James thinks I will be fine, he feels like I just stretched and pulled on the incisions and now they are really sore, but everything looks fine still and I didn't hear anything to indicate that stitches may have popped.  But I continue to worry anyway and considering that I am continuing to get sharp pains right now it is hard not to.  

Why am I so dumb?   I mean really have I not learned any lessons at all?  It’s so hard to just do nothing at all….I feel so useless and like a burden to everyone.  James reassures me that I shouldn't feel that way and that everyone wants to help to make sure I heal up properly this time...but man it’s rough.  Planning on relaxing a lot today...maybe just do my Bible study a bunch.   

Speaking of the Bible...if you are reading this and you are a praying person please pray for me to have self control, and to be humble, and to ask for help when I need it.  I obviously need the extra help and I know that it can only come from God at this point.   Thanks!

2 Weeks!

Today is my two week mark...I am officially allowed to drive today.  Sadly I don’t think I will be doing very much driving just yet.   I still get pretty sore just doing regular daily activities so James and I agreed that my driving should be limited for another 2-3 weeks.   Just go places that are totally necessary and try to still have others drive me places if I can.  The less I am doing the better.  

The swelling is going down and things are looking a lot better.  The glue that is holding the stitches together is starting to come off (as it should) and the shape of the breast is looking a lot more like normal.   The daily pain I am experiencing is also greatly improved.   It isn't until the end of the day that I get really sore and of course that all depends on how much activity I had.  

One thing I am starting to consider is buying a special pillow that allows women with breast implants to comfortably sleep on their stomachs.  I have not slept on my stomach in over a year and I can not even tell you how much I miss it.  I am beyond sick and tired of sleeping on my back.  I saw an advertisement for one and I plan on looking them up and seeing how expensive they are.  I feel like this would greatly improve my sleep.  

So anyway….that is the update for now.  Will write again soon with another update.  :)

1st Check Up

So....my appointment went really well....sadly even the little things I thought I could do...I can't.   I tried today to be helpful before the Wildtree party and was wiping counters and dusting...I got sore from that and then at my appointment when I brought it up my doc said that even that arm movement works the chest muscles....so I can't do that either.  I have another couple weeks of nothingness.  Even once I can drive...I shouldn't do it much...and my arms should stay low for about another 4 weeks.  Other than that though all is well....still swollen....so that will go down.  He thinks it all looks good and I just need to keep doing what I am doing....which is sit on my butt.   Very frustrating....but I know it is worth it and will guarantee my proper healing.

Post-Op

Well....yesterday went well.   Surgery went a little longer than expected because I had a lot of scar tissue that he decided to remove.  He said that the scar tissue could have been what was causing my sharp pains in my chest.  When I got home yesterday I was basically a zombie.  I could hardly stay awake let alone type.  Any messages I did try to type took me forever and had lots of misspellings.  This morning though I am doing much better in regard to my alertness and although I am not taking any pain meds the pain is pretty tolerable.
The only thing that concerns me right now are how my breasts are looking.  I know that I only just had surgery yesterday, but when I saw them today I seriously almost freaked out and held back the tears.  They just look awful.  If I could post a pic I would.  James took a look however when he got home and said he feels like the things I am concerned about are all swelling related and will improve as the days and weeks go by.  I also sent my surgeon a text asking about it and he called me and wanted me to take pics to send him, which I did.  He also said that my concerns are all due to swelling and not to worry.  Just massage the areas and swelling will go down and I will see improvement.  I guess I just had this unrealistic expectation that I would see them and they would look perfect...I guess I shouldn't expect that after just getting sliced open and having tons of swelling.

I can not drive for 2 weeks....so that stinks.  I have to rely on everyone else to get me things and take me places which of course is frustrating but I have to follow directions.  My parents and James have been a great help.   The kids too.   James is cooking dinner right now as I type, and Isaiah has helped with laundry too.  Gonna be a very long year though of me not lifting anything.  ugh...

During my naps today I kept having dreams that I was at Kroger and even though I wasn't working there I kept feeling like I had to help them stock bags and stuff.  So I was lifting all this heavy stuff knowing I shouldn't and then feeling bad about risking ruining this surgery too....then in my dream I was worried James would find out and get mad at me.  Obviously I am secretly worried about my ability to stick to not lifting heavy things.  Being a Mom I just automatically want to do everything....it will be hard to not.  Anyway...so that is the latest update for now.  I will write another update in a week or so.

Tomorrow!!

Today I get to eat breakfast and lunch...and that's it.  After 11:30am it is only clear liquids...blah!   Gotta be at the hospital tomorrow morning at 6am which is way earlier than I would like but at least I will be coming home earlier too....thinking positive right?  lol

James will be working from home tomorrow to take care of me...Friday though he is back to work.  At least the kids have an early release day from school so they can help out once they get home.  I think I will be fine though....it will hurt...but it's nothing I am not used to.   I feel like I am a pro at having surgical procedures down now...lol....this is the 5th one in 2 1/2 years!!   YIKES!  

Hanging out at Frog Island

Counting Down

Only 22 more days until surgery.  I feel like at this point I am just trying to get as much done around the house as I can before I am unable to do anything for a very long time.  I plan on painting Evelyn’s dresser, a couple rooms, and then doing lots of touch up painting around the house as well.  With all the up and down movement my arm will be doing with a roller I know that is something that needs to be accomplished now instead of later.  This whole situation makes me wish I had a laundry shoot.  How nice would it be if I could just throw things down and have them land in a basket right in the laundry room?  That would be amazing.  They should really build those into more homes again.  

I have been experiencing pain still in my breasts but it all depends on what I did that day and how heavy of an item I lifted.  I notice it mostly when I work at the library after I lift heavier boxes of books and stuff.  I am so thankful that my Mom and James will be helping me out when it comes to volunteering at the library until I am back to normal.  I know most people would just say to stop doing the library all together for awhile but really I don’t want to lose the position I have there.  If I stop, someone else has to take over, and I don’t want that to happen.

I am doing really great still in regards to eating right and maintaining my weight.  I have been using the My Fitness Pal app to keep me where I need to be (no more than 45 grams of fat per day) and I am back to exercising again too.  Of course that will be short lived when I have surgery...it will just be walking for awhile after that…..or maybe bike riding.  I am having more smoothies and trying to actually cook more items instead of eating things that are easily microwaved.  James has been really helpful about helping to monitor me when he is home.  If he sees me going to grab a snack he will question if I should really be having it or not.  It keeps me in check which is SO helpful.  Everyone needs someone to hold them accountable.  

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with will be NOT doing all the regular everyday chores that I am used to.  Vacuuming, laundry, grocery shopping….even scrubbing hard to clean dishes.  All of these things require using some chest muscles and I won’t be allowed to do that.  Hopefully I won’t be restricted from driving for too long!  That would be really bad.  lol  

And the surgery day is...................

April 24th!!!   Just got the call and I am so happy that it will be sooner rather than later.  That is 8 weeks before we leave for our big road trip to CA so that should be good.    I will at least be able to help drive.  :)  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It WAS my Fault....kinda.....what you don't know CAN hurt you. BLEH!

I had my appointment today and got some answers.  So….it turns out that I unintentionally did this to myself.  In 18 years of surgery my doctor has had 4 people, me included, have this happen to them. What is it?  Well basically because I am a gastric bypass patient who has a totally new stomach and my body now absorbs WAY less nutrients than it used to (which is why I take vitamins every day) my body also needs WAY more time to heal.  I am not getting all the stuff my body requires to make the healing process happen at a normal rate.  Which is normally not a big deal for most patients...however most patients were not working at Kroger lifting and pushing 32 packs of water, soda, ice, and who knows what else.  

I made my muscles work too hard too soon without knowing it and the muscles pushed the implants out of their pocket and that is why they are all jacked up.   Ugh….so even though I waited the correct 6 weeks before lifting anything it didn't matter….my body needs WAY more time to heal up...he said I really should just give it a full year before doing any lifting more than 5 pounds.  So back into surgery I go.  I will get a phone call from his assistant in a week to schedule that.   

As for the cost of everything my doctor is going to write it off as a very very cheap procedure...like less than $100.00…..but the hospital does not negotiate costs (they are not a regular hospital...they are a hospital that specializes in weight loss surgery) and I won’t have any luck with the anesthesiologist either.  Another big cost will be an added item he is going to place inside my breast during surgery to help guarantee my implants do not pop out again.  There is a product called Alloderm which is like a “second skin”, and it will go along my implant kinda like a shield, helping it stay there.  Sadly this item is quite pricey….ugh….I hate debt.  We just paid this all off and here we go again.  BUT, it has to get done...so it is what it is.  

I am glad however that I no longer work at Kroger….obviously if I did I would just have to quit anyway because they can’t have a cashier who can’t lift anything for a whole year.  This way I can just make sure that James and the kids help me with everything all the time...carrying laundry, vacuuming….everything.  Gonna be a rough year for them but if it helps me heal right that is all that matters.  I will continue taking my vitamins like I should and just hope that my body starts absorbing nutrients better and faster to help the healing process.  It’s a bummer that my body is just weaker in general and can’t do what it should as fast...but I am glad I know it now so I can do things the right way.  

For now I am just dealing with the pain I am getting and hoping that it doesn't get steadily worse before surgery comes.  I will of course let you all know the date I go back under the knife as soon as I know it because I am gonna want some prayer big time on it.   

Even Worse Now....ugh......

Still feeling slightly bummed right now about the undeniable fact that I will have to undergo yet ANOTHER surgical procedure. As I said before the left breast has a slight problem with the implant sitting too low and causing a "hump" type of look and feel...and the right one, which just got "fixed" a few months ago....is yet again having the same problem but worse this time.....possibly due to that bathroom thing I was doing....possibly not, who knows. The implant has come out of the pocket and is WAY toward the left side now, more so than a few days ago and it is uncomfortable/hurting at times. We just paid everything off as you know so of course this is disappointing. Is it my doctors fault? I don't know....I still want him to do this next one for me though but did compromise with James that if this were to happen again I would go to someone else next time. Obviously this is not what I signed up for. This will be the 4th surgery just for my chest. I am going to try to get an appt for this Saturday to be seen and looked at, and then hopefully after that make a surgery appt. Ugh....please say some prayers if you get a chance that this will be the VERY last procedure I will need.

Annoying Situations

I am feeling a bit disappointed right now with myself and my body.  My breasts are just not doing as well as they should.  At first glance you wouldn't notice anything wrong but then on closer inspection the issues would be quite obvious.  On the left, the implant is sitting too low, and because the scar is higher than the implant now it is causing a ridge almost...so there is kind of a hump.  Hard to explain.   But it is noticeable and of course doesn't look right.  On the right, the one that just got “fixed”,  is now not fixed.  The same problem is happening again.  Implant coming too far to the left instead of staying centered.  This of course is causing things to begin to look “off” as well.  

To make it even worse I was putting something together in the kids bathroom a few days ago and it was hard to do and I was using quite a bit of muscles and straining and I could feel that my chest muscles especially were being worked.  Ever since then I have been experiencing pain in my chest on the right breast.  UGH!!!  Why did I do that to myself???  I knew better yet did it anyway.  So typical of me too.  

James is of course equally annoyed as I am because this will all mean another surgery which we thought we were done with...and to top it all off we just got done paying off ALL of my surgery costs.  FREEDOM...or so we thought.  BOO!!  James is also annoyed that it is taking so many procedures to get things right and he feels like I should try another surgeon.  I don’t want to do that however because for one I trust my surgeon, two, I feel like a lot of this is my own fault because I was always lifting heavy things at work even though I shouldn’t have been...and also because he has already done all the other procedures...so he knows my body and knows what little tweaks will work with the other tweaks that have already been done.  

I promised James that I will give him one more chance to “fix” me...and if that last chance doesn't do it then I will go to someone new.  

So...at this point I am going to wait and see if this pain goes away in a few more days.  If it does...great...then I will just try to wait to have surgery as long as I can so that way our deductible can get more and more paid off and we will have to pay less and less for any surgeries….BUT...if the pain doesn't go away in a few days then I am going to make an appointment to talk about my options, and get them to write out an estimate for me in regards to the cost so that way I can at least know what we should expect.  

What a pain in the ass right?  ugh…I for sure feel disheartened but I am also going to do my best to think positive as well and believe that this will all get resolved soon.  Hopefully….by some miracle...the cost of the procedure will be way less than we would expect.  That would be nice.   P.S. In other news...it has officially been a year since my tummy tuck and breast lift/augmentation....I thought I would share some pics of how the scars are looking one year later. :)

Picture on Left: Tummy scar and new belly button
Picture on Right: Hip/Side scar
ALL healing up very well.

Chewable Fiber....A Thing of the Past

1.29.14

So far I have not taken any chewable fiber for almost 3 weeks.   I decided to stop buying them once I ran out to see how I did.  I knew I was taking way more than was necessary simply because they were like having candy.  I mean who doesn’t like gummy bears right?  lol  So I stopped hoping that I would be able to have a bowel movement without much difficulty.  So far….so good.  I am not saying it is super easy going, but it isn’t too bad either.  The iron vitamins I take can make a person more constipated so my doctor told me to only take those every other day.   I have also been trying to eat things that have more fiber in them.   Particularly raisins.   Those are high in iron and help you go to the bathroom….so I have been adding them in my oatmeal and in with my cottage cheese.  I am also trying to eat other high fiber items just incase.  
What a process this is!  If any one thinks that having weight loss surgery is just an easy fix let me tell you they are very wrong.  It is a daily effort to maintain your health and monitor yourself physically and mentally.  I would say I still struggle with the mental food issues the most.  I have been trying super hard to not eat more than I need to in regards to fat grams and just pointless snacking but when it’s winter time and you are stuck in the house for so long it is hard to just not want to walk over to the fridge constantly and grab a snack just because you can.   When I do….I just make myself grab peaches, or a banana...but man is it rough to make myself do that too!  

James has been a great help though.   If I feel like I am struggling in the evening and really want to snack just because, not due to real hunger, I tell him to not let me eat, and simply telling him that really helps.  I know he is watching me when I get up and he makes sure I am just getting a drink.  Knowing he is keeping an eye on me is so helpful.  Especially since he will tell me to put snacks down.  lol  

I tried on my swimsuits from last summer yesterday to make sure they still look good.  Wanted to kinda check since I have had my breasts fixed twice since then.   They look better then before actually which made me really happy.  James especially liked them. lol   Of course.  lol  I am however missing one of my favorite swimsuit tops and have no idea where it could be….that is really bugging me and I am determined to find it.  Although I have no idea where to even start looking!  ugh.

Still maintaining my weight….150 pounds.   I am very proud of myself and am positive that I can continue to do well.  When I think back to how scared I was that I would not be able to handle this lifestyle it seems silly….routine sets in and you get the hang of it….why do I always doubt myself?  Need to get better about that as well I suppose.  lol  

In a little over a month my reconstructive surgery will be paid off in full!!!  This is exciting since February 21st also marks one year since it was done.  We thought for sure it would be a 3 year ordeal of paying it but James was blessed with his wonderful new job that he got about 7-8 months ago which provides an amazing bonus once a year.  When he gets that at the end of February a huge chunk will go to paying that off and we couldn’t be happier.   What a relief that will be for us all.  Even better is I will be able to put in my two weeks notice at Kroger and finally go back to being a stay at home Mom...which is what I love doing the most and miss.  It has been great working and meeting so many wonderful people...some of which I know will be lifelong friends….but it will be so wonderful to be done as well and have the stress and worries of working a job behind me.   

So that is what is going on right now….hope you all are well and thanks for reading!