Surgery Date Set!

SURGERY SCHEDULED!!! YAY!!! This is scary and exciting all at the same time. VERY EXCITED to get this issue fixed (hopefully) and even more excited that my insurance WILL cover it. YAY!!! That means we are only paying our deductible. SCORE! The set day is March 22nd. Let the count down begin. 
Oh... and if you are wondering what the surgery is for... here is a link to the blog about it....

http://ecm1980.blogspot.com/2015/11/uom-surgery-consult.html

U.O.M Surgery Consult

So on Friday the 20th I had my surgical consultation with a new plastic surgeon.  First of all, I really like him.  U.O.M surgeon named Dr. Momoh, younger (maybe my age) handsome man.  He checked me out and I gave them ALL my previous history.  I even had the paperwork.  In the end he said he is going to try to help me.  Now, he can’t make any guarantees of course that what he does will make my left breast look exactly like my right, especially since he won’t really know what he is getting into until he gets inside and sees what my previous doc did…. BUT… he thinks he can do it.  The only problem is that this will require extreme measures since I have been under the knife so many times before, and I have very little breast tissue left and most likely lots of scar tissue.

He will be doing something that he says will be very painful… ugh… essentially attaching my breast from the inside to my ribs, more specifically, the stuff that is attached to the bone of my ribs.  Now don’t take that as exact… I am not sure of the correct words he used, but that is the basics.  He says it will hurt like hell, but should hold everything in place.  

I am of course very nervous and excited.  After I agreed to all  this and he left the room, I started crying. Like a lot.   I think the emotion of it all just hit me hard.  I have wanted this fixed so badly for so long, and to have someone see that there is an issue, and tell me they can potentially help me, well that was just overwhelming.  I was so happy… yet at the same time so nervous.  Will this pain be similar to what I have already experienced before in prior surgeries?  Will it be worse?  Less?  No way to know of course.  Not until I am in recovery.  

After he left and I was done crying a lady came in to take my pictures.  She took me into a room and we did all my before shots so they can have on record what I look like… plus they are a teaching school and so I gave permission for those to be used.  Then I went to the scheduling lady, where she asked me some questions and took some info… and in the end said they are going to try to see if insurance will cover this.  That would be AWESOME if they did… although I am not expecting it.  

No matter what this surgery won’t happen until at least March...because that is when he has openings… which works out great since I was hoping for no earlier than late February.  I should hear back from the hospital in 3-4 weeks whether or not insurance will cover surgery, and no matter what the outcome, I will schedule a surgery date.  

I think my biggest fear is that when this is all said and done,and I have healed up a lot, I will look in the mirror and things won’t look better, they won’t look the same, they will instead look worse.  I mentioned this concern to the doctor and he again said that he can’t make guarantees… but he doesn’t think that will be happening.  If only he could make the guarantee right?  Wouldn’t that be nice.

I saw him as I was leaving the place… walking down a hall and he was walking towards me (this was after I was done with the scheduling lady) and as I passed by him he said goodbye and waved, but I started crying again and just told him thank you… hugged him, and told him how much I appreciate him being willing to help me.  He seemed a bit shocked but also hugged me back and told me it was all gonna be ok.  That’s the kind of doc I like.  :)   I am really hoping and praying everything is ok too…. I have a while to prepare at least… that is one plus! P.S. Wondering what my actual problem is with my breast? Read this post: http://ecm1980.blogspot.com/2015/04/vegasfebruary.html

4 Year Check Up

I had my 4 year check up at the Barix Clinic about a week ago.  It went really well and everyone is pleased with my progress/consistency.  Although the 5 pounds weight gain that I am currently experiencing and trying to lose was mentioned, mostly by me, but also acknowledged by the doctor, everyone seemed unconcerned and said that I know how to lose it, so I just need to do it!!  And they are right.  I have said it before in previous posts and I will say it again… I hate how although surgery can help you lose weight, it can’t change how you think about food.  And how I think is that I want to snack ALL the time and so I end up using up all my calories during the day when I am home alone and then at night when I am up late I get hungry and want to snack. ugh.  Literally a vicious cycle I do to myself.  Willpower/self control is a hard thing for me to master.  I am doing better each day right now… and have lost two pounds of the weight gained as of two days ago.  I am currently not weighing myself everyday as I normally would because I was getting too down on myself each time it wasn’t a number I liked.  In an effort to not cave into my own pressure I had James hide the scale. lol  

Honesty…. with that word in mind I will share that I am mad at myself for being weaker than I want to be… I am frustrated, slightly disappointed, but also determined, and thankful.  Mad because I know better than to get off course with my calories in the first place (especially since this bad trend started in the summer during our vacation months and I have been saying over and over again how I am going to get this under control), frustrated that it is so hard to break the bad habits and get back into the good ones, disappointed that it is taking me so long and that it seems harder and harder each time I slip up, determined because I know my goals and I KNOW I can reach them.  They are literally right in front of my face… and I just need to grab on and hold tight to them, and thankful because as always I have such an amazing support system.  How anyone can lose weight on their own without any help/support from a spouse/loved one/friend is beyond my comprehension.  

In other news… Halloween has come and gone and I am so happy that sugar is no longer in my diet.  Not only can I not eat more than one little teeny tiny piece, I can’t have more than that within an hours time without getting sick… so it basically keeps me away from it and I couldn’t be happier.  This time of year is plagued with sugary sweets and it used to be that saying no to them was an impossibility for me.  Glad that saying no is so easy now.  whew!  

I am taking my regular vitamins still, and have added on calcium and vitamin B.  My nutritionist wants me to take those to boost any deficiencies I might have.   I didn’t have the paperwork at the time of my visit to do the bloodwork but I have it now and will do that soon.  Taking those should help guarantee that everything comes back great.  Now what seems to really be hard is just remembering to take them every day.  For some reason I have a really easy time forgetting… so I have put them in my bathroom so I can just take them before I go to bed, since I shower every night anyway.  :)  

So… that is all for now… hopefully the next time I write it will be to tell you that I reached my gial weight once again! lol

Matthew 19:26 

“But Jesus looked at them and said to them, ‘With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’”

Video Blog #4 ---- Why Do I STILL Hold in my Tummy???

Video Blog #4

Damn You Snacking

Sometimes it is a serious struggle to not snack after I have used all my calories up for the day.  No joke.  It's like I am having an argument in my head back and worth about whether or not I should.  At an appt right now but after this I'm going to the movies with James.  I really struggled with not bringing a snack.  I used all my calories up with dinner.... so I shouldn't.  It was like that image of the little angel and devil on my shoulder arguing back and forth.  I did good though.  Didn't bring a snack.  Staying strong.  Gonna lose these extra 6-7 pounds I put on. If I stick to the plan I will.... but man once you break your good habit it's so hard to get it back.  Ugh.  Keeping the faith though.... I got this baby!!! 

U.O.M.

Made a phone call today to U.O.M. Hospital and set up a consultation appt with a plastic surgeon. It turned out that because I have had so many surgeries before on my breast that in order to fix it now I will have to see a specialist of sorts. The lady I first called at another place basically told me that I should just call U.O.M right away since odds are that is where I would have to go anyway... so.... I did and have my consultation set for October 30th. I hope that this surgeon can help fix the problem. I get the impression that because I most likely have very little breast tissue left in the left breast they will have to do some extreme measures to get things looking right. If you are unfamiliar with what is wrong with it, and are curious... you can read this blog (link provided) and read about what is going on.  


http://ecm1980.blogspot.com/2015/04/vegasfebruary.html

Sex Talk and Other Musings

Well… it has been a long while since I wrote a blog.  Things are going quite well and I am excited that in just over 2 months I will be celebrating my 4 year surgery anniversary.  How has time flown by that fast?  Seems crazy.  As usual maintaining my goal weight (153 pounds) continues to be something I have to work hard at.  Even slipping up for a few days can make me gain weight so really it’s all about constant vigilance.  My trip to California for 3 weeks went great.  I ate right and followed closely to my calorie goals.  However my trip to Florida a couple weeks ago was not as successful since we went out to eat  A LOT!! lol  I am currently 4 pounds above my goal weight and I know I can get rid of it easy. It is just frustrating when it happens.  BUT, I am so thankful that I have my supportive husband and family by my side to help me.  

Evelyn continues to be a rock when I need her.  Asking me if I have the calories left for the food I am eating.  James as well. I would like to say Isaiah does the same thing but the fact is that he isn’t as observant of me. lol  Nonetheless I am back to watching what I am taking in and suspect I will be back at my goal weight in 3-5 days.  So that is a plus.  

On a slight negative, I am really getting anxious for February to get here so I can go find a new doc and HOPEFULLY schedule a surgery to fix my left breast.  I am sick of looking at it like this and just really want it to look like the other.  (for info on what is wrong with it you can read this blog: http://ecm1980.blogspot.com/2015/04/vegasfebruary.html)  And with the amount of money I have spent on these things I should expect them to be damn perfect!  ugh.  Anyway… it’s just annoying….it’s distracting…. especially during sexually intimate moments.  

Speaking of sex…. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned this before… and this is STRICTLY my own opinion ( I know many people think the total opposite of me and that is fine too), but skinny sex is WAY better than heavy girl sex.  Why have I never mentioned that before? Not sure.  Guess it never popped into my head while I was typing one of these, but the fact remains that I feel so much better being intimate while slender than I EVER have while heavy.  I feel confident, sexy, beautiful, desired (Not that James didn’t desire me before, he did.), flexible (Woohoo!!), and not disgusted to look/glance at myself during sex either.  Like I said, I am only speaking for me… plenty of ladies and men have zero problem with being heavier and feeling confident and sexy.  I simply didn’t.  I can’t even tell you how many times I would cry and simply be down right sad because I couldn’t stand the look of myself, let alone want James to look at me.  When I tell you that this surgery has helped me in more ways than I can count, I am telling you the 100% truth.  My whole way of life has changed.  Which is just one more reason why maintaining my weight, eating right, and staying hydrated is so important.  I will never go back to that unhealthy lifestyle again.  

So anyway…. that is where things stand right now, doing well… exercising 3 days a week still, and trying my best to overcome bad snacking habits.  Because let’s face it, snacking is what does most of us in right?  lol  

Video Blog #3 - Random Update

Video Blog #3 - Update

Video Blog #2 - Scars and Dresses

P.S.   Weighed in at 150.3 pounds this morning.  WOOHOO!!!!

Vegas Success!!

So my trip to Las Vegas was wonderful...and even though I was worried about how the eating would go, I did really well.  I counted all my calories and made really smart choices...and couple that with all the walking I did not only did I maintain my weight but I actually LOST a pound.  :)  That made me so happy.  I feel so great about how well I am doing.  Going on vacation doesn’t have to mean over indulging and putting on 5 pounds, it means having fun and enjoying yourself all in a healthy manner.

So as of this morning I weigh in at 151.7.  So close to 150 pounds, I can almost taste it!!  I am sure that I will get there just a bit slower since I am no longer walking all over Las Vegas boulevard.  Twice while there I had breakfast at McDonald's.  They have a new egg white and ham McMuffin with white cheddar and it is only 250 ish calories.  That was perfect for me.  The other two days I had a veggie omelette at this sandwich place, and I forget what I ate the other day.  

Dinners were a bit easier because by then James was done with the conference stuff he was there for and I was able to share things with him.  Also the people putting on the conference would usually have food afterward for everyone.  Even though I didn’t have a tag on saying I was part of the conference no one seemed to question me being there when I was getting food...which was great!  I had some seafood which isn’t as fattening, and also some salad.

Eating healthy isn’t so much a problem in Las Vegas, what is hard is eating for cheap...or even semi cheap.  Everything is very expensive on the strip, and I suppose that is expected when you are in a travel destination.  I saw one place that said milkshakes were $9!!  Crazy I know...but really that is about the same price for one in San Francisco along Pier 39.  

So anyway….really pleased with my continued success and feel like with James’ help I will continue to be.  He is still taking my protein bars to work so I only have one a day, and I know if it wasn’t for that I would still be eating way too many.  Hopefully one day I will be way past wanting to have more than one a day and he can stop taking them to work for me. lol  

P.S.  Pictured below is one of the dinners I had, Adobo Chicken Tacos.  YUMMY!

Vegas/Water Balloon Boob

In a few days I am leaving for our trip to Las Vegas,Nevada.  I am so excited to be able to tag along with James on his work trip.  The hard of course will be managing my eating while away from  home. It’s hard to do when you are going out to eat for pretty much every meal...but I plan on being very diligent about looking things up and eating the lowest fat options that the restaurants will provide.  If that means having a bunch of plain salads then so be it.  I don’t care.  I am determined to continue in my good habits that I finally am solid in again.  

PLUS, I have not only reached my goal of 153 pounds but am actually still going down some and I am now at 152 pounds.  I would love to hit an even 150 pounds so I am working towards that next goal.  Still exercising 3 days a week and I figure even though I will end up missing those exercise days while in Vegas I will still be walking a TON, so I think I will be burning calories no matter what.

Lifting things that weigh more is getting a little bit easier.  I am almost at the year mark and although I still can tell if I have overdone it, I am able to lift more without hurting myself now and that feels great. We are anxious for February of next year to come around because that is when we plan on going to get a second opinion on my left breast.  I really wish I could post a picture of how it looks...but the best I can do is tell you to picture a water balloon...and then picture that you took a piece of yarn and tied it around that water balloon...not crazy tight mind you, just slightly snug so that it has that look of two parts are happening….and you can feel the two parts of the balloon.  That is how my left breast looks and feels.  The implant is in place...but for some reason it just doesn't look right.  My surgeon says that there is nothing that can be done about this, but since he has had multiple opportunities to fix my breasts and I am still not fully satisfied...we are gonna get a second opinion.  

Why February?  Well for one it’s winter and no swimsuits will be worn.  Second, that is when James would normally get his big bonus, so we would have the money which is a huge plus.  
I really really hope this can be fixed.  It bothers me every time I look at it.  If it can’t be fixed, that’s gonna have to be ok.  It is still WAY better than the flat pancake breasts I had after the weight loss, and I will make myself deal with it and be thankful.  But I sure would like to have them fixed if I can.   

So anyway...lots of positives happening...I am being successful with my weight management and that feels awesome!!  I am so happy to be back into solid good habits.   Thank God!

GOAL REACHED!!!!..........now to maintain it.

Ok….so first of all...Happy Easter!!   

Second….hooray for reaching goals!!!  Yesterday I hit my goal of 153 pounds.  It felt so great to be back where I belong on the scale.  Back on track with my eating habits, having one protein bar a day and STILL hitting my protein goal, and feeling great about it all!!  The longer time goes by with me being diligent about my food intake the easier and easier it gets.  I am developing my old habits again and it is so wonderful.  I hate that I let myself stray away from them for a bit, but I am so glad that I was able to find my way back.  

I am noticing myself finding it easier to hold off on snacking and when I am hungry I am seeking out calorie free drinks, water, and low calorie/low fat snacks like fruit, or cottage cheese.  Even a slice of toast with jelly (no sugar added of course) is helpful.  I am still craving my protein bars but it is becoming less and less often and I feel like I am almost to the point where I will not crave them at all.  

Exercising is still going well.  Actively doing three days a week and I can tell it is playing a huge role in keeping my stomach muscles tight.  Even though my plastic surgeon tightened the muscles for me I still need to help maintain their strength and also build it up more.  I feel like I am doing a good job of it.  

The next three days will be a big test of how well I do eating while on vacation.  We are heading up to Canada for a trip to Niagara Falls with the kids and will of course be going out to eat for every meal.  It’s hard to calculate that stuff but I am going to try my best to eat the three meals...plus my protein bar...and make those meals as low fat and healthy as the restaurants we are at will enable me to do. My goal is to NOT gain weight while there.  I want to maintain.  

Another big test will be in 3 weeks...when James and I go to Las Vegas, just the two of us.   We will be gone 6 days!!  That is a lot of eating out...and it will be difficult.  I am hopeful that I will be able to find good options to eat, but it’s gonna be rough.  Hopefully I can find a grocery store or something and just buy myself some healthy snacks.  :)   

Wish me luck readers!!  I will need it.  

Video Blog!!

~~ VIDEO BLOG ~~

P.S.  You know it's bad when you are having dreams about protein bars!!  lol  Yep, I did.  I must be a protein bar junkie and I am going through with drawls.  lol

Support Group Meeting

Went to my first ever Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meeting today.  I figured that it couldn’t hurt to check it out and see if I could gain some extra inspiration in my efforts to not snack as much when I am not really hungry.   The meeting consisted of about 15-17 people...and besides one other girl who was 20 ish, I was the youngest.  I was also one of very few who has been post surgery the longest.  One other lady was there who had it 12 years ago….although as she said while introducing herself, she has since gained all the weight back.  She never did say how she gained it all back, or give anyone any advice on what to not do so they don’t make the same mistake she did...I feel like that is an area she should have brought up...since I am sure it was on everyone's mind.  I know it was mine.  Although really in the end I guess it is obvious.  You fall off the wagon of eating how you are supposed to, and possibly stretch out your stomach again….and then BAM….start gaining weight again.  Of course I am just assuming these things and for all I know it’s another reason altogether.   

Half of the group had recently to semi-recently had their surgery and were still losing weight.  The other half were there because they were planning on having surgery and wanted to gain some insights and also ask many questions.  I was happy to offer up whatever help and thoughts I could on different topics and felt like I was very capable.  I was one of two people who had gone through reconstructive surgery, and I was the only one who had an excessive amount of work done.  So I was able to give my thoughts on that too.  

Seemed like most people were electing to get the sleeve procedure done.  I am not a fan of that one myself simply because it allows you to still eat sugars and candy and all the things that are not good for you. I wanted a new stomach that couldn't handle that stuff...I wanted a stomach that would force me to eat right.  But that kind of extreme isn't for everyone and I can understand that...I mean hell...you are re-organizing your insides!  Moving around intestines and cutting and sewing your stomach.  That’s a lot to deal with and can be scary.  

Because most people were only so far into post surgery lifestyle though I didn’t really feel like there was much I could gain from the meeting.  I can’t remember how long it has been since the leader had hers done...maybe she is farther out than I am...who knows.  I will try to ask next time.  She may have mentioned it when it first started but I was a few minutes late so I missed it.  
I would like to meet someone there who had their procedure done at least 3 years ago or more, and is keeping their weight off like I am and who can give me any ideas on how they curb the unhealthy urge to snack at night.  

I suppose the easy answer would just be that I should go to bed earlier!  LOL...well...yes, that would be easier wouldn't it?  lol  But sadly it is very unlikely since that is the time James and I spend together...always have.  Maybe when the kids move out one day it will be different, but I doubt it...even before kids we were night owls.


I am doing great though lately...haven’t weighed myself in a few days but I am confident that I will lose that pesky four pounds in no time.   Try as I might, my protein bars are too great a temptation for me, and I eat way too many of them.  That is part of the problem when it comes to running out of calories by evening.  I just love to have them randomly…..as a snack or just because I know I CAN eat...and of course at 180 calories per bar, that adds up fast.  So to help me get in a new pattern of eating a better variety of foods I am now buying the protein bars and then sending them with James to work.  He then brings me one home each night and I can have that ONE the next day.  It helps me a lot to know I have no other choice and that I HAVE to find something else to eat.  

Don’t you just hate knowing you have food weaknesses?   So many items I can not have in the house anymore because I have a hard time saying no to them.  Cheez-Its.  Rice Cakes.  Wheat Thins.  The list could go on and on I am sure.  It’s annoying but I am thankful that I am able to admit it to myself and then to James and get the support I need to maintain this new healthy lifestyle.  Being pre-diabetic is not where I want to be again...nor do I want to become diabetic.

So many people at that meeting either were suffering from or are suffering from really tough weight related issues and diseases and I am just thankful that my health never reached that point...but really...it easily could have.  I was so close.  So close!  25 pounds more and I would have hit 300 pounds...that is scary.  Because really when you are constantly trying to convince yourself that you are ok and that the rising number isn’t a big deal...next thing you know you are at a number you never imagined.  

One man there was very obese, and had already lost over 100 pounds.  You can tell he is working so hard to reach his goals and I am so happy for him.  I can’t even imagine what a life change that will be when it is all said and done.  There was another lady there too who was also quite obese...and you can tell that she has that look of hope in her eyes that this will be the tool she needs to bring that vibrant life back to her that we all take for granted.     I am really happy I went because even though I myself didn’t get a lot of insight into  the area I am currently dealing with I felt like hearing from everyone else gave me some different perspectives on things and also I think...I hope...that some of experiences I shared helped someone else.  They have one of these meetings every month...so I may try to go again.  :)

My Hero = My Daughter

It is always hard when you see your children suffering through the same food addictions and struggles that you yourself did as a child and as an adult...hell...as I still do!   Evelyn is a thicker girl...no denying that.  But not fat by any means.  But when you are the thicker girl and do not have a flat tummy you often feel fat, and just plain unhappy with how you look.  These feelings happen in our children just like they do in adults.   Evelyn struggles with wanting to look like all her skinny friends but also with knowing that it’s just important to be healthy and eat right and love THAT body...your healthy body, no matter what the size.  

I talk to her often about those feelings and how I went through the same thing when I was her age.  Although I don’t know exactly how she is feeling during all this I know that for me I felt invisible, and yet also exposed.  Invisible because I often felt like I didn’t fit in so I was left out by many of the kids when it came to birthday parties and just the hanging out at recess time.  But then at the same time I felt exposed...because everyone could see why I was different.  There was no hiding it.

I remember being teased often in 4th grade by a particular girl about my size.   She was of course the size of a twig and was in the more popular crowd.  One day at lunch I had simply had enough, and I punched her.  Can’t remember where I hit her, face, arm, who knows...but I know she threw food in my face in return and then in typical lame girl fashion we began pulling hair.  I remember taking a good chunk out of it too.  lol  She didn't tease me anymore.  

Eventually I did slim out...and for a brief time I did dress a bit cuter in middle school...but then something happened that reverted me back, and I decided once again that I was fat when I got into high school, and started wearing bigger jeans and t-shirts so I could hide it.  Looking back at old pictures I realize that I was indeed not fat...still thicker...but actually had a flat tummy.  Why did I think I was fat?  I really can’t remember.  Maybe someone said something to me and it triggered a memory...maybe it was my friends all being so pretty and small that in comparison I felt fat?  Who knows.  All I do know is I was once again back to hiding my shape.  

I don’t want Evelyn to go through all that.  I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide anything.  I want her to wear cute clothes if that is what she wants and to feel happy and comfortable in them.  I feel like I am doing all I can in the most positive way I can to instill good eating habits for her and our whole family.  No we are not on diets.  But we do acknowledge the nutrition labels and I teach the kids how to read them so they can see if an item is on the healthy side or not. And so they can see how much a serving size is.  This has really helped everyone to eat better portions.  I have also changed to sugar free syrup...and PB2 for our peanut butter which is virtually fat free.  

Evelyn is also taking part in a program after school called Girls on the Run.  They exercise and learn about good health twice a week after school and it is all leading up to running a 5k in May.  This is Evelyn’s second time doing it and she loves it.  She ran/walked 9 laps Thursday and was so proud. Especially since she said she ran most of it.  At the end of the session they did an emotional exercise.  They had  bucket or something, maybe a trash can...and it was called Negative Nelly…

they had to write down a negative thought about themselves and then they were going to throw it away!!  Everyone was encouraged to share what they wrote.  I imagine some girls didn’t write really personal things down (or maybe they did, I wasn’t there so I don’t know) because it can get embarrassing.  But Evelyn did.  She told me that she wrote down that she often times feels “oversized and fat”....and after she read it aloud she threw it away, and everyone clapped for her, and she said she felt so great getting rid of it...just tossing that emotion away.  

She is the bravest young girl I know.  I don’t think I could have ever admitted that out loud at her age...or even in my early 20’s, to a bunch of strangers.  I would have been so scared.  But she did it and had conviction behind it.  Of course this won’t magically fix any feelings she has...but it is a great start!!  And I have total confidence that this girl will continue to grow even more courageous over the years...and become an inspiration to a lot of other ladies.  She already is to me.   

February Update: Staying Disciplined!

2 more pounds to go until I get back to my normal/goal weight of 153 pounds.  Not bad.  It has taken much longer due to my own lack of staying disciplined each and every day but I am so thankful to James who consistently watches and checks in on me to make sure I am not snacking when I shouldn't be and that I am eating right.  I really don’t know how I would manage this without such a steady rock like him.  

I have been exercising 3 days a week still and am currently doing one of the Jillian Michaels workouts.  It is only 30 minutes long and on the surface doesn’t look like it should be that difficult, but DAMN….it kinda is! lol  I always end it in a full sweat and feeling wiped out!  I can feel that workout really hitting my abs hard and my legs as well.  

I went shopping a couple times in this last week and bought a new pair of pants and some new/used shirts at the thrift store.  I still get excited shopping and I can’t help but wonder if that will never change.  I always get excited when shirts I think should be too small for me do indeed fit and it is so awesome that I have been a size 10 pants now for 2 years!  I feel like the days of wearing a 24 Wide seem so long ago...yet they really were not.  I hardly remember who that person was now.   



Drinking enough fluids is getting easier (I don’t like water, so it has never been an easy task).  I am working on using drinks as a substitute for when I get the urge to snack.  I am keeping one “fun” drink in the fridge for me everyday to have in the evening...Fresca.  It is zero calories, zero sugar, and tastes good!  When I get the urge to snack at night I just have that and it really helps to pull me through that moment.  I am also trying to keep actual water around me more….that is something I always struggle with when I at home.  When I go out I drink a bunch of it no problem...but at home for some reason I just don’t think to drink enough fluids...and I am sure that if I drank more I would get more energy for the day than I have been experiencing lately.
So that is a bit of an update on how things are going….weight management going well...exercising going well...scars healing up still….and feeling great about being healthy and fit!! It’s hard to remain disciplined….but oh so worth it!!

Fat Girl Brain is BACK!

Trying to bounce back from those four pounds I gained is proving to be harder than I expected.  Not because I can’t do it but because “fat girl” brain is rearing it’s ugly head lately and man is it annoying. I keep giving myself excuses why it is ok to have a late night snack, or two...which is the kind of bad mentality that got me obese in the first place.  Why can’t the surgery fix our brains as well as our stomach size?  It’s so hard to fight against yourself.  My food addicted self really wants to eat just for fun...wants that snack just so I can taste it...even though logically I am well aware that I can eat that item tomorrow and it is no different.   I am doing really well today but yesterday I did horrible.  Luckily I am only 2 pounds away from being back at my goal weight that I have been maintaining the last year and a half.  That is a plus.  
It is also a HUGE plus that I have such a wonderful and supportive family.  Can you imagine being single AND alone and trying to monitor all this by yourself?  Talk about crazy hard.  If it were not for James being so supportive and even my kids...I don’t know what I would do!  My own daughter has even taken it upon herself to remind me that I should not be snacking when she sees me doing it.  I love her so much for it.  James asks me how I am doing often and  when he sees me grabbing food asks if I have the calories left for it.  It can drive me crazy sometimes….but I really appreciate it.  

While typing this I just had some dinner.  I still have 279 calories left for the day...so that is great. Maybe I will have a raisin English muffin later or some peaches.  That should hold me over.  If I can just keep this up for a solid week or two it won’t be a problem anymore.  It’s getting back in the habit that’s hard….once I am in it….I am fine.  Praying hard about it...just two more pounds to go.  I know it doesn't sound like a lot...but if I let myself be ok with that weight then it is easy to start being ok with putting on five pounds...then ten….then fifteen.  And yep...that’s how you get right back into being unhealthy and overweight.  NOT gonna let that happen again.  NEVER again.  

Post-Vacation Weight Gain

Happy New Year!  We arrived home from our holiday vacation in California late Saturday night and I have to admit I was very anxious to have the morning arrive so I could weigh myself and see how well/bad I did while in California with my eating.   I think it is always hard no matter what when you are on vacation because no matter how much you try you end up going out to eat and hanging out with friends at restaurants and of course it’s hard to count calories and monitor exactly what you are taking in.  

I was happy to discover though that I only gained 3.5 pounds….so that was awesome.  Easy to lose and I was proud of myself….I knew I didn't do great, but I did try hard to select low fat options when going out to eat and tried to have healthy snacks too.  It’s so rough and I must admit that having over a month off from working out was GREAT.  I really don’t miss it and would like to not do it at all...but I also know it’s good for me and I need to get back into the swing of it.  I start on Wednesday and still need to figure out exactly what type of workout my partner and I will be doing.  Can’t go outside and ride bikes yet...so something needs to be planned since the treadmills are gone...mine back at my parents house and hers broke.

Still putting lotion and creams on my scars regularly….it seems to be helping my scars more and I love how it smells anyway.  Still praying about my chest and that those scars continue to heal and that my left breast would continue to shape itself the same as the other one.  I know it’s not a big deal that they both look EXACTLY the same...but it would be nice.  I pray for acceptance on my part as well though and know that I am so fortunate just to have a chest that I like and that is full and perky….unlike what I had after all the weight loss...which was a bunch of flat nothingness.  lol   Anyway...that is the post-vacation update!  Welcome to 2015!