Helping with Debt

My next surgery is fast approaching.  So far I have lost 117 pounds with my current weight being 156 pounds.  I still feel very excited and happy about all the changes my body has made and about the tummy tuck and breast lift/augmentation I will be getting.  Since the health insurance we have will in fact NOT cover the breast procedures I am having done I decided it was best to help out with new debt I will be putting my husband and I in.  I decided to get a part time job working nights (since I am always up late anyway) and put all of the money I make towards paying off the surgery.  If I can even do $500 a month, and if we put all our tax refund on paying it off too (and any extra side jobs my husband gets) we figure we could have it paid off in a year and a half.  Maybe a little longer.  I really felt strongly that it would be good for me to do this and thank the Lord I got hired at the first place I applied at!

I am now a cashier at Kroger.  It is the grocery store closest to our home and I practically live there so it seemed like the best option in regards to where I would  like to work.  I have a friend who works there as a supervisor and she helped get my application seen quickly.  I had a great interview and it wasn’t too long after that, that I received a call to see if I wanted the job.  It has been two weeks now and I am doing really well.  I told them I could only work from 8pm - 2am...and that is exactly the shift that they gave me.  I am really happy with it. Even better is that they didn’t mind that I would be having surgery soon and would need a month off.  Great news.

So now it is just a waiting game.  Waiting for February 21st to arrive so I can have this extra skin removed and my new and perkier breasts put in.  I am nervous of course about how much pain I will be in, but I am so excited too for the end results from it all.  I know it will look wonderful!

New Surgery Date

So I had to reschedule my surgery because I have officially scheduled my breast lift along with my tummy tuck.  I am so glad to have it set up!  The new date is February 21st.  We are still getting the finances in order but I know it won’t be long until that is taken care of and we have until February anyway.  We may do a credit card option, or a personal loan...not sure which yet.  Hell...maybe I will get lucky and someone will randomly pay for it for me!  LOL  Wouldn’t that be a miracle?  I have a Pre-Op appt set up for sometime in January and on that day they will let me pick out what breast size I want to be and I will get to see and feel the implants.  James is going to come with me so he can be equally informed.  I am 90% sure I am going to settle on being a D cup.  That is the size I was before I had kids and before I put on a lot of weight.  I think it will be the most complimentary.  

I have heard nothing but great stuff about my surgeon.  People have randomly told me  that I should have Dr. Dinick perform my surgery and when I tell them he is the one doing it they are so excited for me.  Evidently he is excellent which just makes me even happier.  When you are having a surgery like this done you want the very best after all.  So until February comes I will continue to go to the gym and tone and tighten everything up.  I have already noticed that my arms are getting firmer, and I have been told that I am starting to get visible muscle tone in my legs.  Is it odd that I am kinda sorta starting to like going to the gym?  Shhhh, don’t tell anyone that!!  lol

Consultation!!! Good and Bad News

So...I had my consultation appointment and it was very informative and also very upsetting/exciting all at the same time.  I will dive right in.  James went with me because I wanted to have him there to help make any decisions (which turned out to be a good thing) and just be moral support.  The lady who walked me in asked what I was there for and when I told her it was to have a consult on a tummy tuck and breast lift that my insurance covered she quickly informed me that my insurance does NOT cover the breast lift.  You can imagine my surprise since we were specifically told at the start of this whole process a year ago that it was covered.  It is of course possible that I (we) misunderstood somehow (I doubt it) or that they simply got things mixed up (likely) but either way you can only imagine how hard this hit me.

Although I can obviously not post any pictures as proof I can say that my breasts are NOT looking good anymore.  I don’t know how to describe what I am feeling about them but to say I hate how they look would be a huge understatement.  I can’t stand having them out of a bra let alone having James see them.  I have been looking forward to having that breast lift for a year now, for a year...and then to suddenly have this expectation ripped away like that was seriously crushing...I felt heartbroken.

After the lady left the room to let me get in my gown the emotions overtook me and I just started crying.  James tried to calm me down so I would be ok for the doctor when he came in.  I managed to get it together and then the doctor came in.  (Although I cried my eyes out on the drive home, like a LOT!)  We discussed a lot.  First he had me pull up my gown to take a look at my stomach.  I have to tell you....this was a really hard part.  To have someone you just met grabbing at all your loose skin, pulling it, measuring it, quite frankly flopping it....well, you feel very embarrassed, and just wrong really.  THEN, he had me stand naked against a wall with my arms up and folded like I am a genie so he could take pictures for the insurance company.  My face is not in the picture at least, but still...that as well was kinda odd.  

Next we talked about what he wanted to do.  As I expected he wants to do the horizontal full tummy tuck from hip bone to hip bone.  But due to the extra skin I also have in the upper middle area he also thinks it would be best to do the vertical tummy tuck.   With this he would also include (thankfully free of charge) liposuction along the pubic line and on the top area of my stomach as well.  During surgery he will also be tightening up my muscles....which is so cool!  The vertical tummy tuck is not covered by insurance, and will cost $1850.00 which must be paid in full before surgery.  That will not be a problem thank goodness.  

We then discussed the breast lift because I wanted to know how much it would cost for me to still do it.  James assured me (while waiting for the doctor to come in) that no matter what we would be getting it done if that is what I needed....and trust me....it is needed.  So again I disrobed and he measured them, checked them...all that stuff.  He recommends small implants along with the lift and for all of that, and hospital billing, his time, etc...it comes to $8950.00.   YIKES!!
If I decide to have that done as well and can get the money it can be done at the same time as the tummy tuck.  James and I are going to look into different things we can do to get the money.  Get a loan from the bank that we can pay off...or maybe try to get half on our own and then a loan for the other half.  I don’t know, but we will figure it out.  If I can’t get it done at the same time I guess I will have to wait awhile longer...but it will get done!  

The healing process for the tummy tuck is 3-4 weeks.  I will basically be walking around the house for exercise, but that should only be every couple hours for a short period of time.  Other than that I will be sitting down to watch TV all day everyday.  oh darn.  lol    I will be able to do the gym again (aerobic only) after 6-7 weeks, and then everything else after 4 months.   With the breast lift I would have to wear a special surgical bra, and with the tummy tuck a special shirt will be worn for the first 6 weeks everyday all day.  

SO....the tummy tuck surgery is scheduled for February 7th 2013.  I am SO EXCITED!!!  Can’t wait to get rid of these stretch marks AND have a flat stomach.  ALSO, very hopeful that we can find a good loan with a low APR so I can get the money for the breast lift so I can have both surgeries done at once instead of separately.  I really don’t want to go through the pain twice. It would also be nice to be healed up by summer for everything we do during those months.  Please pray for me to have some peace of mind, and patience....I need it.  :)  

2 More Days!

Just two more days and I will be having my consultation appointment at the Barix Clinic.  I am SO excited about this.  I am going to bring a notebook/paper and write down all the questions I have so I don’t forget things I want to know about it.  Going to be writing down everything really.  I don’t want to forget a thing and I want to be able to tell my friends accurately what the doctor said.  I have so many ideas and thoughts that I am curious about...I just can’t wait to talk to the doctor and find out everything!  How long is the healing process?  How much will it hurt?  (A LOT I am sure)  How long until I can lift average weight again?  When can I go back to the gym?  Will I be having both surgeries (tummy tuck and breast lift) at the same time?  So many thoughts running through my head.  I will of course take all my notes and write a blog on here all about it so everyone can keep up on what is happening.    :)

Reconstructive Surgery

I have made my appointment at the Barix Clinic for my consultation with Dr. Dinick about having my tummy tuck done and my breast lift.  I am SO excited.  I have watched a few videos online that show the procedure and it looks INTENSE!  I am going to be in so much pain, I am predicting, from what I saw, way more pain than my c-sections.  And if I end up having the breast lift at the same time that will just make it even worse!  I haven’t watched a video on that surgery yet...I need to find one.  But despite the pain I am sure to be in I am very excited.  I can not wait for the end results!  I am so beyond anxious to have, for the first time in what seems like forever, to have a flat stomach, and perky breasts.  I don’t even know what it means to have a flat stomach...I don’t even know what emotions I will have.

I imagine that I will cry...cry and cry and cry with joy.  I feel like that has to be what I will do because even thinking about it now makes me emotional.  I don’t know how to be someone with a body shape like that.  Does that sound strange?  Maybe it does if you are someone who has never been bigger, who has never looked at themselves in the mirror and loathed what they saw...but since I am that person (although those feels are becoming less and less thank the Lord) the mere thought of having the type of stomach I have only ever dreamed of is...well...it’s unimaginable!!  

And then there is the breast lift...perky breasts again!!!   I have not had perky breasts since I had my son...it has been so long and to think that I will be able to look in the mirror and see them looking a whole new way is crazy!  OH, and even crazier is that it is possible I might be able to get implants as well if the doctor (and I) think they are needed to help them look full again.  It is crazy how much of your breasts you can lose when you lose weight.  I had no idea it would be so drastic.  Not to mention it makes them look...deflated is the only word I can think of.  They just look like a deflated balloon.  YUCK!  lol  Anyway, the consultation is on October 20th and I will be taking lots of notes and hopefully scheduling my appointment for the actual surgeries.  I will of course write again after the appointment.  :)

OUCH!!

The gym was killer today. OUCH! Gonna have sore muscles all over later I am sure. BUT, I did it, and I know it will get easier.   Trying to work up to running two miles straight without stopping still.  I am getting there but man oh man is it tough.  Also working on my stomach muscles now and arms, trying to tighten up everything.   I am sure this will help my abs get back in shape quicker too after I have the tummy tuck done.  Anything to help the healing process happen quicker is a good thing I assume.  lol

Of course the hard part is still trying to get the motivation to go.   I have a friend joining me though now and that has really helped.  Now I am not just relying upon myself anymore...someone else is counting on me too.  ALSO, when they person is still going strong and running just a little farther than I am it gives me that silent motivation I need to push myself a little further than normal.  All good stuff!  

Gym Update

GREAT work out at the gym.  Went to the gym with a friend today who just joined and having her there with me made me push myself harder than I normally would have and I beat my previous record.  Today I did the two miles in 28 minutes....5 minutes faster than last time.  YAY!!  It was hard though....I'm not gonna lie.  lol  We also did some extra exercises afterward...worked on our core...which I quickly discovered I do not currently have any of.  lol  Looking forward to challenging myself further and reaching new goals!!!  :)

P.S.  Who ever said that working out energizes you was LYING!!  lol  I am always exhausted after.

Out on a Limb!

James just put himself out on a limb to have a talk with me about some of the things he has seen me eating recently.  Not that I have been eating more than I should be...or eating bad things necessarily...but he has just observed that when I do have a little snack after I have already gotten all of my protein in for the day I tend  to go for the foods that are not the best health wise choice.  For example...crackers.  I have been loving crackers as a quick and easy snacks because it’s nothing that I have to cook...or prepare.  I just grab the box and can have a handful and be done.  That is lazy!!  Pure laziness on my part and the start of a bad habit developing that I refuse to allow.  So...no more being lazy and grabbing whatever is quick.  I am going to have to take more time and actually cook things up.  

I am so done with bad habits and I am so happy that even though James was nervous bringing this up to me, he did.  He was worried that I would take an offense to him trying to tell me what to do in regards to eating and that I wouldn’t take the suggestion to heart because in previous instances (before surgery) when he would try to suggest what I should and should not eat I would get upset, and basically tell him to mind his own business.  lol  No more of that though!  I need people who will keep me in check...I need people who are willing to tell me if they see me slipping up, or possibly creating habits that are not the best.  That is how you stay successful at weight loss...that is how you make it permanent!

Was this really me????

It's hard to believe that one year ago this was what I looked like.  I feel like a totally different person now.  I feel confident, healthy, energetic, and beautiful with over 100 pounds gone.  I am so thankful that I made the decision to change my life for the better.  :)

Freedom!

I have been looking up lots of videos and pictures recently that show the procedure for a tummy tuck and also pictures of before and after for it and for a breast lift.  The images and videos are of course very graphic and scary but I think overall I am excited!  Despite how painful I know it will be, I can’t wait to have the end result that so many of the women in the pictures have.  

Today I was watching a very lengthy video on YouTube (90 minutes long!) about a 600 pound woman and her journey to freedom through gastric bypass surgery.  It literally is a freedom we are experiencing.  She of course was in a worse place than I was, was incredibly limited in her mobility and quality of life, but the feeling of being “free”, free from what I can only describe as a “fat prison”, is hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there themselves.  There are things that you risk changing in your life that maybe you didn’t want to have change...or at least, were not anticipating that come along with all the wonderful good things that change.

For this woman it was her marriage.  She had gone from having a husband who took care of her, him feeling needed and wanted and feeling like this was his job in life, to take care of this woman he loved...to suddenly she is getting thinner, healthy, able to go out and work, meet people, socialize again...and for him, it was scary.  He started to think she would leave him...and many other issues came forth out of that.  I guess it’s something that I hadn’t really considered until watching the video...it isn’t just you going through the weight loss journey and experiencing different feelings...your spouse is also in this...not experiencing the same emotions you are...but having new feelings about these changes in you.  

I feel so beyond blessed to have a husband who is supportive of me in every way, who cheers me on and wants what is best for my health...but most importantly I have a man who finds me sexy at any weight...he loves me, adores me...and is confident in us and our marriage.   He doesn’t feel worried that I will run off and try to find someone new, or that I will go out and start partying and acting inappropriate...he has a trust in me that can only come from God.  I am so thankful.  

There are lots of great changes that come with such a drastic amount of weight loss...but there can also be negatives...and I am glad that worrying about my husband is not one that I have to deal with.   :)

Feeling Confident!

It's so great to not only be feeling healthy but looking healthy too!  I love getting to buy fun cute clothes and actual feel like I look cute too!   This is me in my new knitted hat I got at the thrift store.  :)

New workout clothes!!

The Dreaded GYM!

Going to the gym is quite the experience.  Years ago, maybe 4 years ago, I had joined the same gym I went to today and gave it my best shot at attending regularly.  The problem was this...you go to the gym to lose weight and get healthy....but when you go there, heavy and unhealthy...certainly not feeling good about how you look and feel, being in the gym is just depressing.  At that time I felt like everyone was watching me, looking and judging me, asking themselves how I had let myself get that big....and although rationally I know that they probably were not doing that, I couldn’t help but think it anyway...eventually I started talking myself out of going and that was the end of my time at the gym.  

But here I am...I have lost over 100 pounds and I am for sure feeling better about how I look...about how I feel about my appearance, just my overall confidence is so much higher than I can ever remember it being.  My good friend Deanna told me about a deal that Groupon was having at the same gym, a two month membership for only $19.99.  I kept the link in my email for a couple days while I thought about it.  I couldn’t make up my mind.  But then Groupon sent me an email that they were going to give me an additional $10.00 off my first purchase with them and I couldn’t help but think that I would be an idiot to pass up such a great deal.  Who doesn’t go for a two month membership for only $9.00??  So, I did it!  I signed up and so far I have gone to the gym twice already this week.  I plan on going again tomorrow and also on Friday.  That will be four days this week.

So far I have done the treadmill twice.  Today I ran/walked for two miles and I felt like I was able to run more today than the first time I did it.  But really what I love best right now about the gym is how I am feeling while in there.  I walk in wearing actual workout clothes, snug fitting ones too...and I feel like I belong there.  I feel like NO ONE is looking at me, NO ONE is judging me, I feel like I am there and I am just another random person at the gym that no one cares about, which is exactly how I want it.  lol  I know that I shouldn’t care what others think about me and how I look while exercising, but I do, I just can’t help it.  I am always in my head too much, I can’t stop it!  So for once I am happy to be there and be feel like I belong...hopefully I will continue to go and continue to get better stamina.  Also...I hope that I can get my brain to change how much I worry about what others think of me...I know that will take a lot of work...but I think it would be good for me.  

Continued Success...and the struggles...

While we were gone on our yearly summer vacation I tried as hard as I could to continue to eat right.  I followed my diet as well as I could considering that we were out as much as were, going to the state fair and constantly going out to dinners and movies.  I think I did great.  My body must have thought so too since I lost 5 pounds while we were gone.  Considering that my weight loss is slowing down now due to the fact that I am almost at the year mark 5 pounds is really good.  It has been 9 months since my surgery as of tomorrow....I can’t believe it has gone by so fast.  Pretty soon my body will stop losing weight and will settle at whatever weight it likes....and the it will be all up to me.  I know I am up for the challenge....I can do this.  

It is getting hard though.  Now that I have lost almost 100 pounds I have noticed that when I see something sweet that the kids are eating, or James, I hear the old voice in my head telling me that it is ok to try just a bite...just one little bite.  Yah I might get sick, but maybe I won’t.  It’s so hard!!!  I have to remind myself all the time that giving into it that one time is just the start of giving into it again and again and again...it’s like any addiction.  My addiction is food...and thank the Lord, really, that I was able to have this surgery to help me get healthy.  There was no way I could have ever done this on my own.  I am too weak and it is only because of this surgery and God's mercy that I am accomplishing all of this.

Pics

Before Surgery - 268 pounds
After Surgery 85 pounds lost so far...

I Don't Get It...

I am officially able to wear most size large shirts now. I can not express what a good feeling that is. I have lost 85 pounds and continue to lose weight at a good pace. I am still eating right and never plan to stop doing so. I am astonished when I hear stories of people who went through all the trouble of having this surgery done only to revert back to old habits later and gain most or all of the weight back. I simply don’t get it. Although I am sure for some people there are other medical reasons involved, there have been some stories that I have heard of people just slacking off, going back to old habits, and essentially making this whole huge process end up being pointless. Why would you want to go through this just to have it all come back on? I don’t know...but what I do know is that will not be me! I plan on eating this way for the rest of my life, maintaining this lifestyle, and living a healthy and active life. I have worked too hard to let it all slip out of my hand.

I feel cute! Of course my husband has always said I was beautiful and pretty and somehow even sexy, but now I am starting to actually believe those things myself. Now when I look at pictures of myself I like what I see...I look in the mirror and smile at the person in the reflection. I hope that I never lose the memories of how all of this feels, it would be a shame years later to take it all for granted.

Big Girl Mentality

I have noticed that one of the harder things to do when you are losing weight is to start changing the way you think of yourself and view yourself. I have the “big girl mentality” and it is a habit that I have had for so long, I hardly even know how to begin to break it. There are so many things that I just did a certain way simply because my size required it. For instance...I always made sure I parked in a spot that gave me ample room to get in and out of my vehicle with ease. Being a girl means I need way more room to maneuver. Sometimes I would park and have a lot of space to get out only to find that while I was gone someone parked next to me and gave me hardly any space to get back in. For the average sized person that amount of space would be fine...just not me. Now when I park and I think to myself that I need more room, I have to pause and really evaluate it...I have to realize that what I am thinking is in regards to the “old” me, and the new thinner me does not have to worry about that so much. I can get in and out just fine now with an average amount of space. It is just so hard to make this new way of thinking a habit...I have to keep reminding myself.

It’s the same way with buying clothes. I shop for shirts in the regular section now with all the other girls and even though I can fit into a size large now I can’t help but look at the shirt and tell myself that there is no way that it will fit...that shirt is way too small for me! lol Or sometimes it is something as simple as walking up a hill. I used to dread it...totally dread it since I knew that it would mean I would be near death (or feel like I was at least), but now I have to remind myself that even though it isn’t easy yet...it certainly is MUCH easier then it was. And of course the more weight I lose, the easier and easier it is going to get.

My inner monologue has to be changed as well. The things I say to myself about how I look need to change. Not just because my body is improving but also because it simply isn’t healthy to constantly be saying negative things about myself. I can’t think to myself that I am disgusting looking...or fat...or unattractive, I need to change my perceptions...I need to start viewing myself the same way that I know God does. Beautiful.

Anyway...so those were some thoughts that I had today.... :)

Update!

I have now lost 82 pounds! It feels so great! Summer is fast approaching and I can not wait to put on my swimsuit and feel confident while being out and about in it. I am doing really well with getting all my protein in still...and also with my liquids. Hard to believe that it has only been about 7 months since my surgery. It is crazy to think of how much weight I will have lost by the time a year comes around. Around the year mark the weight will stop coming off and I will be done with that chapter, and on to the next one...maintaining the weight. It's going to be just as hard and I have to be just as determined...and I know I can do it! I never want to go back to where I was. I want to stay healthy, feeling good about how I look...and having the confidence that I now have. What a life changing experience this has all been. :)

Swimsuit Purchased!!

Got my new swimsuit!!! It's a two piece tank top type and covers me really well. It has a great wire support for my breasts and the skirt is attached to the bottoms and hides my problem areas perfectly. I LOVE IT! I almost cried when I put it on, I have not liked how I looked in a swimsuit in 10+ years....I am SO happy.

Swimsuit Shopping!

This week I am going to start shopping for swimsuits. I am very nervous about this. For one because it will be the first time for me shopping after all of this significant weight loss (and I am still not done yet!) and two...well, I am worried about finding a swimsuit that looks right. Obviously the weight loss will make me look better then I would have last summer, but still...trying to find a swimsuit that will compliment me well is going to be hard. I am not done losing weight yet, and my tummy tuck and breast lift won’t happen until around January or February. My main concern is my breasts. Obviously with the weight loss they are not near as “perky” as they used to be and I know that finding a swimsuit that makes them look nice is going to be hard. I don’t know of many swimsuit tops that come with a wire bra inside. lol

I am going to shop with a friend though and try to find something nice. I want to make sure that whatever I pick out has either a skirt attached or that I buy some swim shorts to go with it. My inner thighs are not too smoking hot either anymore so I for sure need that. ugh...hopefully I can find something....I want this to be fun...with the weight loss it should be...but I guess that in the end there is a reason why every woman hates swimsuit shopping. lol I am going to try to be happy though....this is the best I have looked in 10 years...so either way I am going to look way better in this swimsuit then I ever have before. Wish me luck!

Eating Right!

So it has officially been half a year since my surgery and I couldn’t be more pleased with my results. I am almost at 80 pounds lost and it feels so amazing. I feel like I have to keep looking at old pictures of myself to remember that this is not a dream. :) I think the most challenging thing about having Gastric Bypass surgery is really the discipline you have to have in regards to eating. I was really worried, I am really worried, that I would not be able to handle the strict way of eating that I would have to do, but I kept telling myself that the longer I did it the easier it would get and that has proven to be true. I am of course taking vitamins everyday for the rest of my life now, that includes: multi vitamins, vitamin D, B-12, and I also take chewable fiber now...it is really needed. lol

Making meals and having drinks and snacks has been interesting. There are some things that I can still eat like normal, and others I can not. This is all due to the new rules I have to follow to ensure my body is getting what it needs, and NOT getting too much of what it doesn’t need. Sugars are the big one. My new stomach doesn’t have all the acids and such in it that my original one had, these acids are what break up a lot of our food, especially sugar. My food goes through my new stomach first and doesn’t reach my old one where the acids are until later, so I can not have lots of sugar, if I did there is the chance I could get very sick. This is of course the whole point of the surgery...to help me HAVE to limit the things which are bad for me and cause weight gain. I am only allowed to have 2 grams of added sugar in whatever it is I am eating. That is it. Natural sugar is fine...but added sugar not so much.

Because of this I have had to change the kind of spaghetti sauce I use, I used to only buy Prego, but that had too much sugar for a serving size. I ended up finding a great one in the organic section though and it works great with spaghetti and lasagna. I have also had to change oatmeals, desserts I make (all sugar free ones now), and I can no longer eat cereal because they pretty much all have too much sugar unless you count ones like plain cherrios or rice krispies, but I can eat so little food in one sitting now (since my stomach is so small) that it hardly seems worth it to have cereal at all. Plus, they have hardly no protein in them...and I really need the protein.

I have to get 70 grams of protein in a day. That sounds like a lot but it’s very doable. Well, at first it was hard, I won’t lie, but as I began to research what things had the most protein it certainly got easier. Milk is key. Since it is preferred that I only eat 11 grams of fat per meal (6 small meals a day) I changed from drinking 2% milk, to ½ % milk. I drink 16 ounces or more of that a day to help with the protein. I also buy some protein bars that have 20 grams of protein in them, and only 2 grams of sugar. At first I didn’t like them very much, but I kept forcing myself to eat them and now I like them fine. If I am having a really busy day and can only eat things that don’t have a lot of protein I will make a smoothie for myself at some point. I use frozen strawberries and orange juice and add a scoop or more or protein powder. It tastes good and if I do a scoop and a half I can get 45 grams of protein in one shot. Things like that along with cottage cheese, meats, seafood (shrimp, salmon, etc...) and other foods make it not so hard.

Of course there is the drinks to contend with. I am pretty much on a strict water, milk, or crystal lite drinking diet. Well...not strict I guess, I do drink orange juice too, and apple juice. For the first six months you can have ZERO carbonation...and once that time is up you can only have diet soda of course, because of the sugar. I guess I could start having diet soda now since I am at the 6 month mark, but for some reason I don’t really want to yet. I have a feeling my new stomach won’t like it. I already know my stomach doesn’t like noodles very much. It’s not that I get sick or anything when I eat them, but I just get this uncomfortable feeling when I eat them...like they just aren’t settling right. I don’t know, but it makes me not want to eat them.

So anyway, that is how the food intake is coming along. I will try to write about exercise soon...that is a big topic as well. lol

Exercise!

Well...I sucked it up and asked James if he wanted to walk/jog with me. He said yes (only to be supportive, he hates running too. lol ) and so I changed my clothes and off we went. I would say all together I ran half a block (not all at once) and walked the rest. I was VERY tired but proud of myself. I will try to do this more often in an effort to hopefully make it a habit and thus ensuring that after I stop losing weight I can then keep the weight off. :)

Six Month Check Up

Just got back from my 6 month check up for my Gastric Bypass surgery. Everything is going GREAT! My surgeon said that most people lose 60% of their excess body fat in a year, and at the half year mark I am already 5 pounds away from that mark. He said this means that I will most likely be in the smaller group of people who lose 80% of their excess body fat which means I will likely end up weighing between 140-150 pounds by the year mark. I am SO very excited. My weight loss is slowing down now since I am half way there, which is normal, he also said my hair loss will slow down soon too, THANK GOD! lol The most important thing he told me is to remember that right now my body is working for me...losing weight on it's own and I don't really have to do much to make it happen...but once the year mark hits and the weight loss stops then it will switch to me having to work for my body. I will need to make sure I don't get complacent and lazy and start eating more fats then I should, or eating the wrong foods, because that is how people gain the weight back. And of course, I need to be active!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL I am screwing this up...so I am not worried. :)

Hair Loss!

Holy crap...all this hair loss is freaking me out!!! I am losing so much it is freaky and I am trying to remind myself that this is all normal after my surgery but it is really hard to do. My hair feels so much thinner now and I see my hair EVERYWHERE!!! It's all over me, my bed, in the shower. ugh. It's disheartening really. Trying to stay positive though...I know it's not forever, and it will come back!

Milestones!

Good evening world. I can not believe that I am one more pound away from having lost sixty pounds. What a crazy feeling it is to be shrinking like this. Especially since it isn't just my stomach, but my entire frame that seems to be smaller. I have even noticed it in my legs. lol. I am so excited to buy a swimsuit this summer. I am sure I will still want one that has a little skirt or something but wow it will be nice to feel more confident about just being in one.

Funny how different my cravings and taste buds have been since the surgery. Now I don't crave the sweets near as much and some foods that I can eat still just are not as appealing anymore. One example is noodles. I used to LOVE noodles, but now I am just not too in to them. When I eat them they no longer seem to settle very well in my new stomach and makes me feel icky. But I feel fortunate though that so far that is the only negative I have. I know other people who can not eat hardly any dairy anymore, and some people who have a hard time with spices and such. I am doing great on all of those so far.

Another thing I find interesting and kind of funny is that now when I watch the kids or James eating a bunch of food, or sometimes even just two slices of pizza, I notice that I am cringing at how much food they are eating. It almost grosses me out. I always feel like they are eating way too much even though really it isn't that much....it is just way more then I can eat now and so the thought of stuffing that much food inside me just makes me grimace. All part of the changes I am going through I guess.

The not so fun part of the changes is that I have been losing more hair then usual. I knew that this could happen even with me getting all my protein in, but it is still kind of freaky when I see all the hair coming out in the shower. I know its normal though and I am just trying to remember that it will not last forever and I will not lose all my hair. Think positive right? lol. So that is all for now. I will update again soon. :)

Update #2

It has been almost 7 weeks since my surgery. I started at 268 pounds, and I am now at 236. I am so very happy with how I am progressing. It’s easy to wish that the weight would come off even faster, but really the rate I am going seems great. It’s not too fast and I can tell that I am still losing it all over, instead of just all from my stomach area. I think that will help my body bounce back a little better. So many things are already changing, I feel like everyday I get a new surprise. Recently I discovered that I can finally cross my legs like a lady should...that was a HUGE deal for me. I am discovering that the towel is wrapping around more of me when I get out of the shower...I can’t wait for the day when it goes ALL the way around me. Even sleeping in bed has gotten easier! I haven’t woken up with my back hurting in over a week.

The only thing I am really struggling with doing is exercising. It is hard to make yourself do it when you are losing so much weight with out it! I know I need to do it though, I know it will not only help me lose weight faster but will also help my body tighten up. Seriously though it is hard. It’s not that I don’t have the time either, it’s that I am always making an excuse about why I need to do something else instead of exercise. I will even say to myself, “I really need to dust those pictures first!” lol Lame right? But this is what I do. I HAVE to make exercising a habit. I HAVE TO! I need to just pick a time of the day when I do it no matter what else is going on, no matter how many other household chores I think need to be done.

James has noticed a difference in my body also. He said he can tell that I feel different when he hugs me, or just hands his arms around me in general. Other noticeable things have been wearing a new pants size, my bra is getting looser, and my double chin is getting much smaller! I can not wait for a few more months to go by, or even a year! I am so excited to know what the final “product” will look like. lol

In other news I am doing great working at Brick Elementary where the kids go to school. I have been there for a few months now and I like the ladies I work with and of course the hours I work are awesome. The only downside right now is being outside when it is so damn cold. But hopefully Spring will come quickly and save me from that torture.

I can’t believe Christmas is coming up so fast. We have all the presents purchased and wrapped for the kids and other ones to family in CA have already been shipped off. James and I agreed to not buy anything for each other so I didn’t have to worry about that at all. If I get paid from work before Christmas I may even buy a few more items for everyone. The kids could use some more clothes.

Anyway, that is all for now I think. Nite Everyone!

Updating...

Seems fitting to write a blog on this day considering the date (11.11.11). Just kinda makes it fun somehow. lol I am doing really well with my surgery recovery. I am still experiencing some pain in my bladder region which I can only assume is an inflammation due to having a catheter in me during and after surgery for so long. It certainly is not an infection since I went to the doctor and had that confirmed already. I have my two week check up on Tuesday and I am going to wait until then to bring it up. So far the pain is not near as bad as it was about a week ago, hopefully it will just go away on it’s own.

As for weight loss I have lost 12 pounds so far. It’s very exciting even though quite frankly I have not noticed it yet. I guess I am losing it from somewhere that is not as obvious. lol In my Bible study one of the things that we started talking about was fear...and I realized that one thing that I have been fearing lately is not losing weight with this surgery. I know that is a dumb thing to worry about it, after all, I have already lost 12 pounds so it would be silly to think that I won’t continue to lose weight, but still I have this irrational fear inside me that says, “What if this surgery doesn’t work? What if I only lose a little weight even though I am doing everything right?” Really I do realize that it is silly, but I can’t help it I guess...that is why they are called irrational fears after all. :)

James has been working so hard lately. Last night he didn’t get home until 1am. I’m so thankful for his job, but I feel bad for him when he has big projects like this. They just make him feel mentally worn out and tired. On the plus side he is awesome, and a trooper, he never really complains. I have been going to work quite a bit too now. 4 days this week already, and I will be doing 3 days this next week. It’s nice to get out and do something, but damn if it isn’t super cold. Standing outside watching kids at recess is an easy job, but I think my fingers were about ready to fall off today. I could barely unzip my jacket when I was ready to go home. Maybe I should start wearing two gloves on each hand. lol

Lastly, parent/teacher conferences are quickly approaching. I am not looking forward to this. I dread them every year. I always feel pressured, pressured to defend my child at the mere mention of a problem, pressured to explain a way a behavior. Worried that they will say something awful that I simply do not want to hear. Ugh....again, it’s all irrational fears and usually the meetings go just fine, but I still can’t help but feel worried nonetheless. So annoying and totally my own doing. I am a dork. But at least James will be there with me and that is always comforting, I will just let him do all the talking. lol

Anyway, that’s all for now I guess. Nite all. :)

Gastric Bypass Surgery

Well, Monday (October 31st, 2011) was my surgery and I thought I would do a more detailed description on here of what happened and how I am feeling. After all, you can only say so much in a Facebook status update. lol I was feeling good Monday morning and felt really comfortable with the nurses who were getting me ready for surgery. I was informed that one of the drugs that they were going to give me before knocking me out causes amnesia. That was kinda interesting. They said I wouldn’t remember much from the time they administered it. I DO remember some stuff though. I have a vague memory of being rolled into the operation room and talking to the nurses, I KNOW I remember it, it’s just not a huge memory. But it is there.

After that the next thing I clearly remember is waking up and feeling lots of pain. I thought, mistakenly, that the pain would be similar to my c-sections, I was very wrong. This could be due to the fact that they also removed a hernia from me but who knows. All I know is it hurt like hell. I also remember being very very tired. Falling in and out of sleep frequently, especially while I was talking. I was so so tired. That is the main memory.

I started on liquids right away and also had a saline drip too. I have never had to pee so much in my life. I think I was going every hour or more. I also had a morphine drip which was very nice for the pain. They had me start walking soon after surgery and let me tell you that was hard. The first time I could only walk about 10 feet. The second time I made it down the hall, but quickly got nauseous and they had to get a chair to wheel me back to my room. It was just too much I guess too soon.

I started making progress though and soon I was walking all over the place. It got easier to get up and down and eventually the most annoying thing was having to go to the bathroom so damn often. Next though something else new and annoying happened. Evidently when they perform the surgery they pump your stomach full of air so they can see inside of you better, well of course all that air doesn’t all get out, and so of course it causes massive gas inside of me later! So here I am with lots of burping and other things. Trying to get all of that out so it doesn’t hurt my stomach too much.

I am also not a huge fan of hiccups. I guess that is another thing that happens and they are not fun. I am getting them every time I stand up pretty much and at this point I will be happy if I never have hiccups again. They are painful and annoying. So anyway, between walking more and drinking more it was finally time to go on Wednesday. I had my first shower. Evidently I can’t let the water hit my stomach directly, but I can let it hit somewhere else and then run down my stomach. So I had a shower and got dressed in something light and James came to get me. It was really exciting to go home. I was and am slow moving but managed to get into the mini van ok and James drove me home.

So far things have been good at home. I get tired from walking around (which I am supposed to be doing) but I imagine that is normal. I am trying to not over due it. I am sleeping ok though and getting up and down the stairs well too. I am drinking all my liquids like I should be, taking my pain pills still, which really help, and James is being amazing! On top of doing his own work all day, he is taking care of the kids, taking care of me, and doing all the house work too. Poor guy was so tired last night that he started falling asleep on the bed last night while we were watching T.V. and it was only 10pm. I am so thankful for all that he is doing. He is really working hard to take care of everything that needs to be done. He has been making me some yummy smoothie drinks with lots of protein in them and he bought a good blender to make it easier to create stuff.

So, that is about it for now. I suppose that as I heal up I will write another one and keep you all updated. Hopefully the weight will start coming off soon too and I will be able to begin exercising and getting healthy in more ways then one. This is such an exciting time....There is so much to learn about and do...but I am ready for it.

Therapy 101

So Tuesday is my first day with a therapist. I have to have a psychological evaluation so I can qualify for the Bariatric Surgery. I think I am more nervous about that then I am the actual surgery! I have never been to one before and although I am don’t know why I am nervous I just am. Worried about what the therapist will think of me I guess. Worried that I won’t say the right thing. UGH! I’m being so dumb huh? But I am really excited about getting this done and over with so I can proceed with getting the surgery done. From what I can gather from the ladies at the clinic I have talked to, I may be getting this done way sooner then I thought. I knew it would be in October, but I the impression I got from the lady was that it could be in less then 2 weeks!

I can not tell you how excited I am ….really. I have been thinking about what life will be like for me in a years time....hell...even six months from now...and the ideas going through my head just seem so foreign. I have looked at a bunch of the before and after pictures that they have at the clinic and quite frankly it almost seems too good to be true! My insurance will cover 100% of the tummy tuck and breast lift too if I keep the weight off for a year after I reach my goal weight! So exciting.

I try to picture what it would be like to actually wear a pair of shorts comfortably, to wear a swimsuit and not feel like I have to cover myself up as much as possible. To run, actually run, with the kids. Jump on the trampoline...sit comfortably in an airplane, shop with my friends in the same area of the store, potentially weigh less then James, not be freaked out when James tries to pick me up or....well.....it would be nice to look in the mirror and not feel disgusted. I could go on and on....I won’t bore you with all my complaining but when I try to imagine not feeling this way it seems like an impossibility!

I guess what it comes down to is that I have been a “big” girl almost all my life, and I wonder how it will feel, emotionally, AND physically, when I no longer am? Will I think of myself as a big girl years from now even though I won’t be? So many what if’s. I can’t wait to find out the answers!!! I can’t wait to start this new adventure....this is going to change so much of my life...this is going to be wonderful!!

First Appointment at the Barix Clinic

So I have my first appointment this Tuesday for the Barix Clinic to discuss weight loss surgery. This is the first step in a new journey. I am excited and a little nervous...but more excited then nervous. lol James is going with me which I am very happy about. I feel good about deciding to take this route. I have been trying to lose weight and maintain it for 10 years now with no success, and I think I am ready to accept the fact that I need help helping myself. My weight is out of control (264lbs) and is starting to effect my health. This will only get worse as I get older and, most likely, I will gain even more weight as I get older.

So I have made the choice and I am sticking to it. Prayer and encouragement are of course much appreciated. Negative comments, not so much. lol Not that I expect anyone to do that. But I figure I will just throw that out there just in case. lol

When I try to think about what it would be like in a year, well...it’s hard to imagine. Being able to shop in the regular clothing section of a store...being able to not feel scared to jump on the trampoline...going for a jog without getting out of breath right a way! So many things that would be so different and yet so wonderful. Of course, I am getting a head of myself...but it’s just an exciting thought.

Most importantly I am excited about the health issues that will improve. My Sleep Apnea will most likely go away. I am borderline diabetic, and that will no longer be a concern most likely. How amazing! Things like this make the sacrifice of not drinking lots of milk anymore totally worth it. OH! And my back pain...I know that would improve as well. Mine is definitely related to that in some aspects.

Now it’s just the waiting game. Going through the appointment process. I know I will have to see a therapist to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons. I will also be required to take a nutrition class (which is a great thing anyway) and after all that I guess I schedule the surgery. I have no idea if it will be before or after the holidays. Of course part of me hopes it’s after the holidays, but really maybe before would be best. lol

The Beginning

I have a doctor appointment on September 7th to talk to my doctor about my health/weight and what I can do to start losing weight and maintaining it. I have no idea what she will say, or what she will recommend, but I have decided that whatever she suggests I am going to do...I can not keep relying on myself....I obviously need help. I have tried and tried and tried, and even when I do have success for a while I inevitably fail.

I will be honest and say that I need to lose about 90 pounds. It’s a lot, and my health is really what is important here. On my Dad’s side of the family I have aunts and uncles and cousins who already have Diabetes and I know that I have a big chance of it happening to me as well. I can’t walk up a small hill without feeling like I am going to die, my feet and legs hurt way sooner then they ever used to from walking for a long time. I have Sleep Apnea now which can (and probably is) due to being overweight. And quite frankly, I would like to be able to jump on the trampoline without being afraid of it breaking.

I don’t know what she will suggest, like I said...but I know it’s possible that she may talk to me about having surgery. I feel like I am ready for that possibility, I know that there are lots of pros and cons, but I guess at this point my health is the most important thing...so I am willing to take some risks.

I wish that I could do this on my own....well, not that I can’t, but I wish I could do it on my own AND be successful at it. I wish I could lose weight and keep it off. I wish I could have the determination, and the...well....I wish I was one of those people who could just make weight loss happen. Anyway..so that is what is happening, or at least will be happening on the 7th. Hopefully my doctor will have some good ideas about what I can do to help get my health under control, whatever those options might be.