New workout clothes!!

The Dreaded GYM!

Going to the gym is quite the experience.  Years ago, maybe 4 years ago, I had joined the same gym I went to today and gave it my best shot at attending regularly.  The problem was this...you go to the gym to lose weight and get healthy....but when you go there, heavy and unhealthy...certainly not feeling good about how you look and feel, being in the gym is just depressing.  At that time I felt like everyone was watching me, looking and judging me, asking themselves how I had let myself get that big....and although rationally I know that they probably were not doing that, I couldn’t help but think it anyway...eventually I started talking myself out of going and that was the end of my time at the gym.  

But here I am...I have lost over 100 pounds, and I am for sure feeling better about how I look...about how I feel about my appearance, just my overall confidence is so much higher than I can ever remember it being.  My good friend Deanna told me about a deal that Groupon was having at the same gym, a two-month membership for only $19.99.  I kept the link in my email for a couple days while I thought about it.  I couldn’t make up my mind.  But then Groupon sent me an email that they were going to give me an additional $10.00 off my first purchase with them and I couldn’t help but think that I would be an idiot to pass up such a great deal.  Who doesn’t go for a two-month membership for only $9.00??  So, I did it!  I signed up and so far I have gone to the gym twice already this week.  I plan on going again tomorrow and also on Friday.  That will be four days this week.

So far I have done the treadmill twice.  Today I ran/walked for two miles, and I felt like I was able to run more today than the first time I did it.  But really what I love best right now about the gym is how I am feeling while in there.  I walk in wearing actual workout clothes, snug fitting ones too...and I feel like I belong there.  I feel like NO ONE is looking at me, NO ONE is judging me, I feel like I am there, and I am just another random person at the gym that no one cares about, which is exactly how I want it.  lol  I know that I shouldn’t care what others think about me and how I look while exercising, but I do, I just can’t help it.  I am always in my head too much, I can’t stop it!  So for once I am happy to be there and be feel like I belong...hopefully I will continue to go and continue to get better stamina.  Also...I hope that I can get my brain to change how much I worry about what others think of me...I know that will take a lot of work...but I think it would be good for me.  

Continued Success...and the struggles...

While we were gone on our yearly summer vacation I tried as hard as I could to continue to eat right.  I followed my diet as well as I could considering that we were out as much as were, going to the state fair and constantly going out to dinners and movies.  I think I did great.  My body must have thought so too since I lost 5 pounds while we were gone.  Considering that my weight loss is slowing down now due to the fact that I am almost at the year mark 5 pounds is really good.  It has been 9 months since my surgery as of tomorrow....I can’t believe it has gone by so fast.  Pretty soon my body will stop losing weight and will settle at whatever weight it likes....and then it will be all up to me.  I know I am up for the challenge....I can do this.  

It is getting hard though.  Now that I have lost almost 100 pounds, I have noticed that when I see something sweet that the kids are eating, or James, I hear the old voice in my head telling me that it is ok to try just a bite...just one little bite.  Yah I might get sick, but maybe I won’t.  It’s so hard!!!  I have to remind myself all the time that giving into it that one time is just the start of giving into it again and again and again...it’s like any addiction.  My addiction is food...and thank the Lord, really, that I was able to have this surgery to help me get healthy.  There was no way I could have ever done this on my own.  I am too weak, and it is only because of this surgery and God's mercy that I am accomplishing all of this.

Pics

Before Surgery - 268 pounds
After Surgery 85 pounds lost so far...

I Don't Get It...

I am officially able to wear most size large shirts now. I cannot express what a good feeling that is. I have lost 85 pounds and continue to lose weight at a good pace. I am still eating right and never plan to stop doing so. I am astonished when I hear stories of people who went through all the trouble of having this surgery done only to revert back to old habits later and gain most or all of the weight back. I simply don’t get it. Although I am sure for some people there are other medical reasons involved, there have been some stories that I have heard of people just slacking off, going back to old habits, and essentially making this whole huge process end up being pointless. Why would you want to go through this just to have it all come back on? I don’t know...but what I do know is that will not be me! I plan on eating this way for the rest of my life, maintaining this lifestyle, and living a healthy and active life. I have worked too hard to let it all slip out of my hand.

I feel cute! Of course, my husband has always said I was beautiful and pretty and somehow even sexy, but now I am starting to actually believe those things myself. Now when I look at pictures of myself, I like what I see...I look in the mirror and smile at the person in the reflection. I hope that I never lose the memories of how all of this feels, it would be a shame years later to take it all for granted.

Big Girl Mentality

I have noticed that one of the harder things to do when you are losing weight is to start changing the way you think of yourself and view yourself. I have the “big girl mentality” and it is a habit that I have had for so long, I hardly even know how to begin to break it. There are so many things that I just did a certain way simply because my size required it. For instance...I always made sure I parked in a spot that gave me ample room to get in and out of my vehicle with ease. Being a girl means I need way more room to maneuver. Sometimes I would park and have a lot of space to get out only to find that while I was gone someone parked next to me and gave me hardly any space to get back in. For the average sized person that amount of space would be fine...just not me. Now when I park and I think to myself that I need more room, I have to pause and really evaluate it...I have to realize that what I am thinking is in regard to the “old” me, and the new thinner me does not have to worry about that so much. I can get in and out just fine now with an average amount of space. It is just so hard to make this new way of thinking a habit...I have to keep reminding myself.

It’s the same way with buying clothes. I shop for shirts in the regular section now with all the other girls and even though I can fit into a size large now I can’t help but look at the shirt and tell myself that there is no way that it will fit...that shirt is way too small for me! lol Or sometimes it is something as simple as walking up a hill. I used to dread it...totally dread it since I knew that it would mean I would be near death (or feel like I was at least), but now I have to remind myself that even though it isn’t easy yet...it certainly is MUCH easier than it was. And of course, the more weight I lose, the easier and easier it is going to get.

My inner monologue has to be changed as well. The things I say to myself about how I look need to change. Not just because my body is improving but also because it simply isn’t healthy to constantly be saying negative things about myself. I can’t think to myself that I am disgusting looking...or fat...or unattractive, I need to change my perceptions...I need to start viewing myself the same way that I know God does. Beautiful.

Anyway...so those were some thoughts that I had today.... :)

Update!

I have now lost 82 pounds! It feels so great! Summer is fast approaching, and I cannot wait to put on my swimsuit and feel confident while being out and about in it. I am doing really well with getting all my protein in still...and also with my liquids. Hard to believe that it has only been about 7 months since my surgery. It is crazy to think of how much weight I will have lost by the time a year comes around. Around the year mark the weight will stop coming off and I will be done with that chapter, and on to the next one...maintaining the weight. It's going to be just as hard, and I have to be just as determined...and I know I can do it! I never want to go back to where I was. I want to stay healthy, feeling good about how I look...and having the confidence that I now have. What a life changing experience this has all been. :)