Support Group Meeting

Went to my first ever Weight Loss Surgery Support Group meeting today.  I figured that it couldn’t hurt to check it out and see if I could gain some extra inspiration in my efforts to not snack as much when I am not really hungry.   The meeting consisted of about 15-17 people...and besides one other girl who was 20 ish, I was the youngest.  I was also one of very few who has been post surgery the longest.  One other lady was there who had it 12 years ago….although as she said while introducing herself, she has since gained all the weight back.  She never did say how she gained it all back, or give anyone any advice on what to not do so they don’t make the same mistake she did...I feel like that is an area she should have brought up...since I am sure it was on everyone's mind.  I know it was mine.  Although really in the end I guess it is obvious.  You fall off the wagon of eating how you are supposed to, and possibly stretch out your stomach again….and then BAM….start gaining weight again.  Of course I am just assuming these things and for all I know it’s another reason altogether.   

Half of the group had recently to semi-recently had their surgery and were still losing weight.  The other half were there because they were planning on having surgery and wanted to gain some insights and also ask many questions.  I was happy to offer up whatever help and thoughts I could on different topics and felt like I was very capable.  I was one of two people who had gone through reconstructive surgery, and I was the only one who had an excessive amount of work done.  So I was able to give my thoughts on that too.  

Seemed like most people were electing to get the sleeve procedure done.  I am not a fan of that one myself simply because it allows you to still eat sugars and candy and all the things that are not good for you. I wanted a new stomach that couldn't handle that stuff...I wanted a stomach that would force me to eat right.  But that kind of extreme isn't for everyone and I can understand that...I mean hell...you are re-organizing your insides!  Moving around intestines and cutting and sewing your stomach.  That’s a lot to deal with and can be scary.  

Because most people were only so far into post surgery lifestyle though I didn’t really feel like there was much I could gain from the meeting.  I can’t remember how long it has been since the leader had hers done...maybe she is farther out than I am...who knows.  I will try to ask next time.  She may have mentioned it when it first started but I was a few minutes late so I missed it.  
I would like to meet someone there who had their procedure done at least 3 years ago or more, and is keeping their weight off like I am and who can give me any ideas on how they curb the unhealthy urge to snack at night.  

I suppose the easy answer would just be that I should go to bed earlier!  LOL...well...yes, that would be easier wouldn't it?  lol  But sadly it is very unlikely since that is the time James and I spend together...always have.  Maybe when the kids move out one day it will be different, but I doubt it...even before kids we were night owls.


I am doing great though lately...haven’t weighed myself in a few days but I am confident that I will lose that pesky four pounds in no time.   Try as I might, my protein bars are too great a temptation for me, and I eat way too many of them.  That is part of the problem when it comes to running out of calories by evening.  I just love to have them randomly…..as a snack or just because I know I CAN eat...and of course at 180 calories per bar, that adds up fast.  So to help me get in a new pattern of eating a better variety of foods I am now buying the protein bars and then sending them with James to work.  He then brings me one home each night and I can have that ONE the next day.  It helps me a lot to know I have no other choice and that I HAVE to find something else to eat.  

Don’t you just hate knowing you have food weaknesses?   So many items I can not have in the house anymore because I have a hard time saying no to them.  Cheez-Its.  Rice Cakes.  Wheat Thins.  The list could go on and on I am sure.  It’s annoying but I am thankful that I am able to admit it to myself and then to James and get the support I need to maintain this new healthy lifestyle.  Being pre-diabetic is not where I want to be again...nor do I want to become diabetic.

So many people at that meeting either were suffering from or are suffering from really tough weight related issues and diseases and I am just thankful that my health never reached that point...but really...it easily could have.  I was so close.  So close!  25 pounds more and I would have hit 300 pounds...that is scary.  Because really when you are constantly trying to convince yourself that you are ok and that the rising number isn’t a big deal...next thing you know you are at a number you never imagined.  

One man there was very obese, and had already lost over 100 pounds.  You can tell he is working so hard to reach his goals and I am so happy for him.  I can’t even imagine what a life change that will be when it is all said and done.  There was another lady there too who was also quite obese...and you can tell that she has that look of hope in her eyes that this will be the tool she needs to bring that vibrant life back to her that we all take for granted.     I am really happy I went because even though I myself didn’t get a lot of insight into  the area I am currently dealing with I felt like hearing from everyone else gave me some different perspectives on things and also I think...I hope...that some of experiences I shared helped someone else.  They have one of these meetings every month...so I may try to go again.  :)

My Hero = My Daughter

It is always hard when you see your children suffering through the same food addictions and struggles that you yourself did as a child and as an adult...hell...as I still do!   Evelyn is a thicker girl...no denying that.  But not fat by any means.  But when you are the thicker girl and do not have a flat tummy you often feel fat, and just plain unhappy with how you look.  These feelings happen in our children just like they do in adults.   Evelyn struggles with wanting to look like all her skinny friends but also with knowing that it’s just important to be healthy and eat right and love THAT body...your healthy body, no matter what the size.  

I talk to her often about those feelings and how I went through the same thing when I was her age.  Although I don’t know exactly how she is feeling during all this I know that for me I felt invisible, and yet also exposed.  Invisible because I often felt like I didn’t fit in so I was left out by many of the kids when it came to birthday parties and just the hanging out at recess time.  But then at the same time I felt exposed...because everyone could see why I was different.  There was no hiding it.

I remember being teased often in 4th grade by a particular girl about my size.   She was of course the size of a twig and was in the more popular crowd.  One day at lunch I had simply had enough, and I punched her.  Can’t remember where I hit her, face, arm, who knows...but I know she threw food in my face in return and then in typical lame girl fashion we began pulling hair.  I remember taking a good chunk out of it too.  lol  She didn't tease me anymore.  

Eventually I did slim out...and for a brief time I did dress a bit cuter in middle school...but then something happened that reverted me back, and I decided once again that I was fat when I got into high school, and started wearing bigger jeans and t-shirts so I could hide it.  Looking back at old pictures I realize that I was indeed not fat...still thicker...but actually had a flat tummy.  Why did I think I was fat?  I really can’t remember.  Maybe someone said something to me and it triggered a memory...maybe it was my friends all being so pretty and small that in comparison I felt fat?  Who knows.  All I do know is I was once again back to hiding my shape.  

I don’t want Evelyn to go through all that.  I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide anything.  I want her to wear cute clothes if that is what she wants and to feel happy and comfortable in them.  I feel like I am doing all I can in the most positive way I can to instill good eating habits for her and our whole family.  No we are not on diets.  But we do acknowledge the nutrition labels and I teach the kids how to read them so they can see if an item is on the healthy side or not. And so they can see how much a serving size is.  This has really helped everyone to eat better portions.  I have also changed to sugar free syrup...and PB2 for our peanut butter which is virtually fat free.  

Evelyn is also taking part in a program after school called Girls on the Run.  They exercise and learn about good health twice a week after school and it is all leading up to running a 5k in May.  This is Evelyn’s second time doing it and she loves it.  She ran/walked 9 laps Thursday and was so proud. Especially since she said she ran most of it.  At the end of the session they did an emotional exercise.  They had  bucket or something, maybe a trash can...and it was called Negative Nelly…

they had to write down a negative thought about themselves and then they were going to throw it away!!  Everyone was encouraged to share what they wrote.  I imagine some girls didn’t write really personal things down (or maybe they did, I wasn’t there so I don’t know) because it can get embarrassing.  But Evelyn did.  She told me that she wrote down that she often times feels “oversized and fat”....and after she read it aloud she threw it away, and everyone clapped for her, and she said she felt so great getting rid of it...just tossing that emotion away.  

She is the bravest young girl I know.  I don’t think I could have ever admitted that out loud at her age...or even in my early 20’s, to a bunch of strangers.  I would have been so scared.  But she did it and had conviction behind it.  Of course this won’t magically fix any feelings she has...but it is a great start!!  And I have total confidence that this girl will continue to grow even more courageous over the years...and become an inspiration to a lot of other ladies.  She already is to me.   

February Update: Staying Disciplined!

2 more pounds to go until I get back to my normal/goal weight of 153 pounds.  Not bad.  It has taken much longer due to my own lack of staying disciplined each and every day but I am so thankful to James who consistently watches and checks in on me to make sure I am not snacking when I shouldn't be and that I am eating right.  I really don’t know how I would manage this without such a steady rock like him.  

I have been exercising 3 days a week still and am currently doing one of the Jillian Michaels workouts.  It is only 30 minutes long and on the surface doesn’t look like it should be that difficult, but DAMN….it kinda is! lol  I always end it in a full sweat and feeling wiped out!  I can feel that workout really hitting my abs hard and my legs as well.  

I went shopping a couple times in this last week and bought a new pair of pants and some new/used shirts at the thrift store.  I still get excited shopping and I can’t help but wonder if that will never change.  I always get excited when shirts I think should be too small for me do indeed fit and it is so awesome that I have been a size 10 pants now for 2 years!  I feel like the days of wearing a 24 Wide seem so long ago...yet they really were not.  I hardly remember who that person was now.   



Drinking enough fluids is getting easier (I don’t like water, so it has never been an easy task).  I am working on using drinks as a substitute for when I get the urge to snack.  I am keeping one “fun” drink in the fridge for me everyday to have in the evening...Fresca.  It is zero calories, zero sugar, and tastes good!  When I get the urge to snack at night I just have that and it really helps to pull me through that moment.  I am also trying to keep actual water around me more….that is something I always struggle with when I at home.  When I go out I drink a bunch of it no problem...but at home for some reason I just don’t think to drink enough fluids...and I am sure that if I drank more I would get more energy for the day than I have been experiencing lately.
So that is a bit of an update on how things are going….weight management going well...exercising going well...scars healing up still….and feeling great about being healthy and fit!! It’s hard to remain disciplined….but oh so worth it!!

Fat Girl Brain is BACK!

Trying to bounce back from those four pounds I gained is proving to be harder than I expected.  Not because I can’t do it but because “fat girl” brain is rearing it’s ugly head lately and man is it annoying. I keep giving myself excuses why it is ok to have a late night snack, or two...which is the kind of bad mentality that got me obese in the first place.  Why can’t the surgery fix our brains as well as our stomach size?  It’s so hard to fight against yourself.  My food addicted self really wants to eat just for fun...wants that snack just so I can taste it...even though logically I am well aware that I can eat that item tomorrow and it is no different.   I am doing really well today but yesterday I did horrible.  Luckily I am only 2 pounds away from being back at my goal weight that I have been maintaining the last year and a half.  That is a plus.  
It is also a HUGE plus that I have such a wonderful and supportive family.  Can you imagine being single AND alone and trying to monitor all this by yourself?  Talk about crazy hard.  If it were not for James being so supportive and even my kids...I don’t know what I would do!  My own daughter has even taken it upon herself to remind me that I should not be snacking when she sees me doing it.  I love her so much for it.  James asks me how I am doing often and  when he sees me grabbing food asks if I have the calories left for it.  It can drive me crazy sometimes….but I really appreciate it.  

While typing this I just had some dinner.  I still have 279 calories left for the day...so that is great. Maybe I will have a raisin English muffin later or some peaches.  That should hold me over.  If I can just keep this up for a solid week or two it won’t be a problem anymore.  It’s getting back in the habit that’s hard….once I am in it….I am fine.  Praying hard about it...just two more pounds to go.  I know it doesn't sound like a lot...but if I let myself be ok with that weight then it is easy to start being ok with putting on five pounds...then ten….then fifteen.  And yep...that’s how you get right back into being unhealthy and overweight.  NOT gonna let that happen again.  NEVER again.  

Post-Vacation Weight Gain

Happy New Year!  We arrived home from our holiday vacation in California late Saturday night and I have to admit I was very anxious to have the morning arrive so I could weigh myself and see how well/bad I did while in California with my eating.   I think it is always hard no matter what when you are on vacation because no matter how much you try you end up going out to eat and hanging out with friends at restaurants and of course it’s hard to count calories and monitor exactly what you are taking in.  

I was happy to discover though that I only gained 3.5 pounds….so that was awesome.  Easy to lose and I was proud of myself….I knew I didn't do great, but I did try hard to select low fat options when going out to eat and tried to have healthy snacks too.  It’s so rough and I must admit that having over a month off from working out was GREAT.  I really don’t miss it and would like to not do it at all...but I also know it’s good for me and I need to get back into the swing of it.  I start on Wednesday and still need to figure out exactly what type of workout my partner and I will be doing.  Can’t go outside and ride bikes yet...so something needs to be planned since the treadmills are gone...mine back at my parents house and hers broke.

Still putting lotion and creams on my scars regularly….it seems to be helping my scars more and I love how it smells anyway.  Still praying about my chest and that those scars continue to heal and that my left breast would continue to shape itself the same as the other one.  I know it’s not a big deal that they both look EXACTLY the same...but it would be nice.  I pray for acceptance on my part as well though and know that I am so fortunate just to have a chest that I like and that is full and perky….unlike what I had after all the weight loss...which was a bunch of flat nothingness.  lol   Anyway...that is the post-vacation update!  Welcome to 2015!

Scar Picture Update

So...I realized that in two more months it will be 2 years since I had reconstructive surgery…..and I have not posted updated photos in a LONG time.  So here we go…..I am posting pics and please be aware that this is me trying to be as appropriate as I can be but still show how things look.   And yes...my hair looks crappy because I just took a shower like an hour ago....lol...deal with it. lol My scars are continuing to fade really well....I still put on cocoa butter lotion to help them along and the only thing noticeably different from the scars on my tummy versus my chest is that the ones on my chest are a brighter red since I had surgery more recently on them. But just like with my tummy...those will fade more and more. Sorry the pics are not better....it's hard to take them on my own. lol

NO BRA!

Last night was the first night since I had my breast implants put in that I slept without my sports bra on.  Figured I would give it a try again since it had been awhile since the last attempt.  This is the first time I was able to keep it off ALL night long.  It’s not like it’s uncomfortable to sleep with it on of course...but I would prefer to not so I have been waiting for it to feel good enough to leave it off.  The previous attempts failed because I just didn't feel like my breasts felt quite right without the support of the bra.  This time it was all good though….and I woke up feeling so happy about it.  I may try it again tonight and see if this can become a regular thing.   

Now if I could only sleep on my stomach again.  Man I miss that.  I have always been a tummy sleeper and these new boobs do NOT feel good being laid on yet.  Not sure if it ever will either.  I have a couple friends who say they have had no problem with it but maybe that just comes with time. I will just have to wait and see I guess.  For now, I suppose I could look up that special pillow that they have for women who have implants.  It enables you to lay on your stomach and has a spot for your breasts to “rest” in. lol  Sounds hilarious and dumb I know, but I am telling you, I would use it! Tummy sleeping is so peaceful.  

Anyway...just wanted to give that small update.   ;)