All is well.....which is awesome!

Well hello there.  Things are going really well.  I have been sticking to my 1600 calories 98% of the time (the occasional slight overage happens once in awhile.) and I have lost all the weight I gained while in California.  I am working on getting down to 150 pounds right now.  James and I agreed that would be a good next step onto my end goal of 145 pounds, which is what I was at immediately after the tummy tucks.  I do realize that 5 pounds isn't

a huge difference.  But it is where I would like to try to be and so I figure it couldn't hurt to continue with the same 1600 calories and see if my body does it on it’s own.  If it does great, if not great.  Either way 1600 seems to be a really great caloric intake for me and I am excited to have found that magic number.

I have been exercising regularly still although I did just take a week off.  Lots of different things were happening and it was nice to have that extra free time.  Getting back to it tomorrow, although I don’t think I will be able to do any outside bike riding because the weather is now changing and it is getting more than a bit cold in the mornings.  So back on the treadmill I go which is really NOT my idea of fun.  I despise running and really treadmills are boring.  But I gotta do what I gotta do.  I am hoping that I can maybe buy one of those devices that lets your outdoor bike turn into an indoor stationary bike for the winter.  That would be so nice.  Then I could ride it whenever I wanted and earn back calories whenever I needed too as well.

I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon this coming Saturday.  I am going to tell him that I am doing my best to be content with my breasts and like them how they are...which is true.  No more surgeries for a long time, even if I am slightly unhappy with a couple small details.  I need to just trust him when he says that these things are not big deals and that really it would cause more problems if he did try to adjust it.  So….I will do that and then at home continue to pray to God every day about helping me to be content and accepting of how things are.  i can’t change my mind set on my own...only with God’s help can I do that.  :)

Fitness Pal

I use the My Fitness Pal app everyday...and sometimes I see the posts other people make (kinda like a status but it is in a forum) while I am using it on the actual PC. Today I came across one that floored me. Here is what the lady wrote:

-----> So, today I'm having lunch in a food court with work colleagues. I'm eating my turkey sub from subway and drinking water - all good. Out of nowhere this guy comes to the table and asks if he can speak with us - me in particular. Now this is not overly unusual because we all work at a local church which is heavily involved in the community. So, I say sure. He then proceeds to say to me "I just want you to know that there is help available for someone like you; I'd like to help you". He went on to say how he attends a gym and would be willing to workout with me and help me with my 'problem'!!! I was horrified!! In 38 years this has never happened to me! I was humiliated! I was polite and thanked him for the offer and suggested I probably would not take him up on it - but inside I just wanted to die. None of my colleagues know I'm working so hard to lose weight, and at only 8kg loss, they can't tell. So, I just had to act like this didn't bother me. As we left, one of the men on my team went and spoke to said stranger about the inappropriateness of what he'd done - but no one could really feel how gutted I was. I mean, I know I'm big, but how big must I be that a complete stranger felt so compelled to come and 'help' me!!! I just have to keep moving forward - I've made such great progress and I can't let this ignorant person discourage me - but I just wish people thought before they 'helped'! <----- p="">

I feel so bad for this lady (and commented on her post to tell her so). I can only imagine if something like this had happened to me when I was bigger I would have probably cried afterward. I am sure the guy had good intentions...but being that he has most likely never had a weight problem in his life he had no idea how this kind of comment would effect this lady.

It's not like when you are overweight, especially by a lot...that you are not aware of it. We are. Trust me. We don't need to be reminded everyday since we get reminded by the mirror. lol Something similar to this happened to me only once...but not quite as bad. I was at a gyno appt and the doc did my exam and while sitting there going over the results with me she then says, "You do know you are overweight right?" In my head all I could think was, "Um....duh!!! No I thought I had a supermodel body ya dumb B*tc$!".....but I didn't say that. I said, "Yes, I know." And she then said I should consider losing weight for my health. Again....DUH!!!!!! lol Ugh....yes it is the job of a doctor to help you get healthy but man the way she came out and said it was just lame and....well....dumb. lol Anyway.....just wanted to share this ladies story....the lesson here is simple....Don't tell strangers you can help them lose weight. Leave that to their caring friends/family who hopefully know how to approach the subject better.

Belly Button

I have decided that I like my new belly button a little bit more now.  I kid you not….when I got the new belly button along with my tummy tuck I was not happy with it...I previously had a nice innie...and after surgery (and until recently) it was a very obvious outie.  However with time comes improvement and I noticed two nights ago that now when I am laying down it is not near as “out” as it used to be.  Still not an innie, and probably never will be, but at least now it looks better and I don’t feel like covering it up.  lol  

Funny how something so small like your belly button can make you feel self conscious huh?  I would be out in the sun in my swimsuit and feel like I should have my hand over my stomach or something so it wasn't protruding out like crazy.  Maybe this is a silly thing to even be writing about but when I noticed it, I just got excited.  lol  Couldn't help it.  I said to James, “LOOK!!...My belly button isn't as dumb looking anymore!”  lol  Anyway...just wanted to share.  :)

Caloric Intake

So things are going really well.  I have lost 4 of the 9 pounds gained back but I am having a hard time getting the rest off...so in an effort to accomplish that goal I have decided to adjust the amount of calories I am taking in everyday.  Instead of just keeping it at a steady 2000 I have gone down to 1600.  I am really hoping that it helps get me back where I (and the doctors) agree that I should be.  James has been really supportive as well and is helping me with food choices and reminding me that snacks are not needed unless I am hungry.  I am so bad about snacking when I am bored.  Of course it always helps that I can’t fit a lot in my tummy...lol...but still...snacking just to snack is bad...and I need to work on that habit and knock it out of my system.  

So far I am doing good though with the new calorie amount.   The hardest part is remembering to include my drinks; like milk and juice.  I am so used to just drinking those without a care in the world.  ugh….I seriously love orange juice.  I could drink that all day long.  

I have been going on long bike rides 3 days a week still and will continue to do so until the weather no longer allows it.  Usually I bike 10-13 miles and although my butt and legs are always super sore afterward it feels great to be burning calories and staying in shape.  I can’t wait until I can start lifting weights again though since right now it feels like my arms are as weak as a toddlers.  It’s very frustrating to not be allowed to lift more than a gallon of milk but I know it’s for my own good and for the healing of my body.  But man on man a year sure does take forever to go by doesn't it?  Especially when you are waiting.  lol

Still actively praying for improvement in appearance in my left breast as it heals up.  Just wish the implant itself didn't show as much as it does.   BUT, I am also praying for God to bring me contentment and acceptance about how it looks and to help me just be thankful that I have great looking breasts now instead of the flat empty things I had after all the weight loss.  I don’t think I am being too picky about wanting the left one to look as great as the one on the right, even James agrees that when it comes to something like this, you should expect and want things to look as good as possible since it is a part of me...however, I am trying to accept that the left side has been through a lot, and there is a lot of scar tissue, so sadly it just isn't as strong and may have to just stay this way.  And really it doesn't look bad….just different than the other slightly.  So like I said...praying about it a lot and giving it a year to see how things “settle”.  

Despite the slight weight gain I am still wearing a size 10 and man does that make me happy.  I plan on being a size 10 forever!!  There is no way in hell I am going back to anything higher and I am not embarrassed to say that I am super proud of myself.  One for continuing to eat right, second for being open to James’ advice and concerns when he sees me messing up or needing reminders about things, and also for being determined to maintain my desired weight and actively doing things to make that happen.  This is a lifelong lifestyle!!!   Surgery is not a magic pill and you have to really work hard at maintaining what it helped you get.   

On my way.....

Doing good on trying to lose that weight that I gained back.   I have lost 2.5  pounds of it so far.  It’s hard to keep myself patient about it however.  As in the past, I still can’t help but expect instant results and so sometimes I get disappointed when the scale isn't going down in numbers as fast as I would like.  But patience is a virtue and as long as I am doing what I should….everything will “come off” in time.   

Using the app My Fitness Pal is really great in helping me keep track of what I am eating.  James has been really supportive and is also using the app along with me.  It’s nice to have him along for the ride, and of course he has some weight he wants to lose too, so it all works out.  

Since putting on the foundation makeup over the scars on my chest I am working really hard at “liking” my breasts as they are.  I still don’t fully love how the implant in the left one is kinda visible, and I can feel it….but according to everyone else who has seen it they only notice it when I point it out...so I guess a lot of it is just me being way too picky.   James also says it doesn't bother him at all...so I am trying to make it a point to just tell myself that they look great whenever I catch my inner thoughts turning negative.

Tomorrow I am going thrift store shopping and plan on buying some more shirts for myself.  I have recently gotten rid of a lot of tops because I realized that they were not quite my style like I originally thought they were.   It feels great to know that I bought them at such a cheap price so getting rid of them leaves me feeling guilt free.  Even better is I have a coupon for 50% off of my entire purchase….so that seriously rocks.   If I am lucky I will even find a couple skirts, or maybe even dresses.  I don’t think I will ever get tired of being able to buy cute clothes in the normal section of the store.   Going to the plus size section to shop while my other friends were in the normal aisles was always annoying and just plain sad.  I can’t even express how great it feels to hang out with my friends and look at the same racks as they do now.  :)   It’s a huge deal...and I just love it!  

The Doctors Opinion is.....

Yesterday was my check up with my plastic surgeon.   It went well.  We voiced our concerns and he didn't agree with us, but after much talking and looking and marking me with a pen we agreed to give it more  time and see how things went.  The bottom area (which is the area I have the most problem with) of my left breast he said is just how it is going to look.  He said many women have that going on and it is just normal for some women who have weaker muscle there to have the implant slightly show.   I don’t like it, but I know I can deal with it.  

The other thing we were concerned about what the cleavage area on the left breast.  He felt confident however that what was happening is that because the scar is in the wrong place it is giving a false appearance of looking way different than the other breast.  The eye is drawn to the scar (which at this point would be too hard to try to change because it would mess up the other one) and when you are just looking at that it makes the cleavage look wrong.

He suggested that I try putting some makeup on it for awhile so the scar is not noticeable and then see what I think.  Decide if what I am noticing is just the scar playing tricks on me or is there actually a problem.  He also wants to just wait a while longer since I just had surgery and the tissue needs time to heal up still.  And I agree….it would be nice if my body could actually go a full year without having surgery.  lol

I came home and put some foundation on my scars.  Right away I noticed that they did look better.  I still see a slight area that I wouldn't mind fixing in the cleavage...but overall it looks great when the scar is covered up so I can only imagine that it is just the scar playing tricks on our eyes.  

In other news….while in California I gained 4 pounds, and then when I got home I gained another 3 because I was going out to eat more than a few times and even though I picked healthy choices it is hard to know exactly how much fat is in everything.  SO….I am being very very strict on my eating for the entire week, and not weighing myself either, in an effort to take those pounds off.  I am assuming a week should be more than enough time to take almost all of that off.  When I am very strict I lose it pretty fast and so far I am doing good.  I will probably be having lots of smoothies and fruits and such….luckily right now I am really enjoying plums and raisins as snacks.  I will keep you updated as to how losing this perky 7 pounds goes.  Crazy how just eating too much fat for a couple weeks can make weight come on me so quickly with this new stomach….but thankfully it can come off just as quickly too.  

Back From Vacation

My 4 week long trip to California was a success.   I did really well in regards to not lifting a lot of things.   Isaiah was so helpful and so was Evelyn which was very appreciated.  I am healing up really well still and I would say my right breast is for sure my favorite.  It looks near perfect and has healed up the best.   The left breast is not as great but isn't bad either.   The implant shows more and the cleavage area is not quite right.  This is probably due to the weak tissue holding the implant in.  My surgeon had made the decision to not use a product called Alloderm Mesh on the inside of my breast to hold the implants in place because it is pretty costly...but he did say that we would see how things went and then if we need to use it we do and if not we don’t.  

James wants to fix these small problems though because for one it would look better and two, our deductible has been met for the year so if we are going to do it we may as well do it this year.  Makes sense to me.  I am done worrying about how many surgeries I have had because at this point I am just resigned to the fact that my skin has been traumatized, I have lots of scar tissue, I am lacking in nutrients which would help me heal normally, and my skin was stretched a lot from the weight gain...so….it isn't surprising that I am having lots of problems.  I trust my doctor however and he always has my best interests in mind so I am happy with that.  

I have my appointment to see my doctor on August the 2nd and we will discuss our concerns then and also see what he thinks.  I feel like I am ok with whatever gets decided.  I would like things to look better, but if my doctor thinks this is fine for now I am ok with that too.  At this point I know I just need to be thankful for what I have.