Achilles Heal

Snacking is my achilles heal.  For sure.  Why I have struggled to lose this annoying 10 pounds that I gained back a year ago is plain for me to see.  It’s the snacking.  PRAISE GOD I can not snack on sweets anymore and thank you God that I also can’t snack on a lot.  I am also so thankful for my family and friends who all hold me accountable when they do see me trying to snack.  If I could have one trivial wish it would be for me to only eat when I am actually hungry.

It’s not just me I realize, I am not alone in this.  But being someone who has lost so much weight and is in general being very successful at keeping it off… this 10 pounds is very annoying.  Wouldn’t it be nice if the weight loss surgery could also solve the food problem I have in my brain?  I would really love for it to…  but sadly that is not the case.  I have to be determined.. I have to be resolute….and I need to just stop being a total idiot.  I know what I need to do… I need to just DO IT!!  

On the plus side I still consider myself a great success story.  I feel like 10 pounds in 5 years is not bad at all.  I eat well and take my vitamins… and I am always sure to eat all my protein.   What I need to get back to doing that I was doing and then stopped… is exercising. I HATE exercise which makes it really hard to want to even do it a little bit.  LOL… but I really need to.  Ugh… so annoying.  Why can’t being athletic just be a natural thing?  Anyway… that is all for now… just wanted to vent/discuss the enemy that is snacking.  I think we can all agree that it is an evil we ALL struggle with.

Stretch Marks and Belly Buttons

It’s still strange sometimes to look in the mirror and see stretch marks that I know used to be in a whole different spot than where they are now.  The tummy tuck scars and muscles have long since healed (it’s been over 3 years now) and everything is as it should be.  Hard to believe that 5 pounds of skin was removed and skin was pulled and moved around to create the nice shape I have now.  Stretch marks that were on my far side are now in the front, and some that were way below or up high are now centered.  It’s a funny thing to see when you really pay attention to stuff like that, which I do. LOL

Also strange and not as attractive is my new belly button. The old ones was removed along with the extra skin and a new one was created.  Sadly this new one isn’t near as cute…  but hey… what can you do.  God didn’t make this one… a person did.  And you can’t ask for perfection from a person. LOL  All I know is I remain incredibly happy with how my tummy tuck turned out.  Having a vertical and horizontal tuck was a great option. It gave me that curve that I wanted (hour glass shape) and as flat of a tummy as I could get.  There is still a small “pooch” because they can only remove so much… but really… who gives a crap?  I mean I had a bunch of skin hanging over and now I don’t.  That is the whole point!  I would say that I am still very happy with these results even a few years later.  

Last Surgical Check-Up + Pic!

Final check up on my left breast was today.  The Ryan Procedure is now 3 months behind me… and I look and feel GREAT!  According to my surgeon, Dr. Momoh...I can go back to all my regular activities now.  Of course… James still wants me to err on the safe said and not do too much heavy lifting.  But that’s ok… that just means I get spoiled a while longer. LOL!

I am so pleased with these results. I can not even tell you how much more confident I feel now about my chest and especially having James see them.  Even my cleavage looks much better!  What a huge relief I feel. I am so thankful that I found a good surgeon who had a good plan of action for me.  I took a quick picture while in the doctor's office so you could see the progress of the incision and all that… healing up so nicely!!

2nd Post-Op Appt + Random Thoughts

I had my second post surgery check up a few days ago.  Everything went great and I was so happy that my surgeon was just as pleased with how things looked as I am.  He said I can resume my regular activities, including exercise, etc.  James and I are of course very cautious however when it comes to lifting things since I have had so many problems in the past… so although I am doing a lot of things like cooking, cleaning, etc… James still doesn’t want me to lift things that are very heavy.  I am sticking to the weight of about a gallon of milk.  That seems to be just right.

My surgeon also asked me how the pain levels were for me after surgery and I told him that it was so tolerable that I was pleasantly surprised.  He had told me it was going to hurt so badly that I was expecting some horrible amount of pain and he said that it can be so hard to judge how each person will handle a surgery like that.  I have decided that I am just a bad ass… and can handle pain like a champ. Lol

Now that everything looks awesome I just feel so much better about my body.  My left breast is no longer totally different looking than the right.  I don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable when James looks at it.  That isn’t to say that I love everything about my body.  The fact is I am a girl… and every girl has something that she doesn’t like.  I don’t blame the media for this like so many people do...because simply put the media only shows us what it knows we want to see.  For centuries women have been trying to look “perfect”.   You can look all the way back to the Renaissance Period and even then we had women who tried to be as skinny as possible by wearing corsets.  As much as “we” all want to say that every size is beautiful… we also mock people who we deem bigger… we make fun of them, cringe at them, judge the clothes they wear, etc.  

Women are constantly judging each other no matter what their size and the media knows we do this… they know we want to see some form of perfect beauty… so they show us that.  They show us what we want to see… it fuels our desire to look more perfect.  Causes it?  No, I don’t think so… but fuels it?  Most certainly.  But again, I don’t blame them… they are just showing us all what we want to see.  And I can admit it… I can admit that I prefer to look at “beautiful” people when I watch shows.  Or when I see a magazine.   So what does that mean for when I look at myself?  I see someone healthy…. Finally.  I also see someone who looks pretty sexy all things considered.  But I also see imperfections.  I see saggy inner thighs that I would love to have fixed.  It’s just what happens when you have weight loss like that.  I also see a very flat and saggy butt… for the same reason.  

There is always something.  Always.  But in the end I am still really happy.  I am so happy that I choose to get healthy.  I can walk long distances, climb hills, ride my bike, and even run if I want.  I can fit into clothes from the regular rack...I feel confident, beautiful, sexy, and alive!!  All of this is so great and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  I am so happy that I opted to have weight loss surgery.  It was truly a life changing experience and all for the good.  

DRIVING!!

Finally allowed to drive!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!   Feels good to be able to get out of the house and do something on my own.  Granted... I can't go do any major shopping or anything... but I can pick up small things and run errands.  Which is better than nothing.  I am not gonna drive a lot though.  Doing big turns where I am pulling on the steering wheel a lot does make me feel sore… I specifically noticed it when I was backing out of a parking space, or using the roundabouts.  So no traveling far for a while. That’s ok.

Still experiencing pain in both areas of my chest, which; as I mentioned before… can only be related to everything healing in general and nerves reconnecting.  I am taking it easy still. I am doing a bit more… but really not a lot more.  Plus… James won’t let me. Lol  Anyway… just a quick update... ttyl.

Feeling Good and Looking Good!! (In a bikini even!)

I am healing up great and I am so happy about it.  My scar looks just as my surgeon said it would and less red than I expected.  I tried on my bikini top last night and was so excited to see that my breasts look great in it!  You don’t see strange looking cleavage anymore and since he essentially tucked it in right where my original scar was, there is now no scar to be seen!  YAY!  (Now all that I need to do is buy a bikini top that will stay on while swimming lol)  I am experiencing a bit of slight discomfort/pain in the middle of my chest and every once in awhile in my right breast.  I imagine this is common and normal.  Just because the surgery was performed on my left side… doesn’t mean the recovery wouldn’t affect the whole area.  Nerves and sensations travel and all that.  But just the same, if I am still experiencing it when I have my next check up, I will mention it.

I am still in shock at how easy the recovery has been for this procedure.  I seriously could have just dealt with the pain and not taken any pain meds if I had wanted to. The healing process has been great… and right from the get go my breast looked amazing…  my surgeon, Dr. Momoh, is just spectacular and I highly recommend him!  

James and the kids are being super helpful still and the only dinners I have cooked are simple things like chicken patties and french fries. Lol  Isaiah has really stepped it up as well and is learning to cook new things.  I should be able to start driving this Tuesday but James still wants me to take it very easy… not drive far at all.  I plan on going back to the library on the first Tuesday of the month of May, and that will also be me taking it very slow… and not going crazy on how many books I reshelve and such.  If I hurt myself doing all that, James would be very annoyed.  

Anyway, that is the update for now.   I am including a pic of me in the bikini.  Why? Because why the hell not that’s why!  LOL  I am happy.

Conquering Emotions/Habits

“You have no power over me.”  -- Sarah Williams (Film- Labyrinth 1986)

This is my new go to quote/saying.  The “You” isn’t a person necessarily… but anything or anyone that I am letting have control over my emotional health and physical health.  Although I love that movie for many reasons that particular quote has been running through my head for a while now (and it will be on my new tattoo) because of recent scenarios in my life.  
The loss of what I thought was a close friendship caused me to be in a deep sadness for almost a year. I hid it well to the world and only discussed it with a few select friends simply because I don’t feel the need to tell everyone.  Despite the sadness of the loss of the friendship, what was equally sad was that I let it affect me the way it did, and for so long.  I allowed this person to control how I felt… and that is unacceptable.  To let this person's’ actions do that to me… it was an eye opener of my lack of control over myself.  

The other scenario (and it’s the one that relates more to this blog) is my constant struggle with letting the urge to snack control me.  Gastric Bypass surgery helps you lose weight, but it’s controlling your mental desires that is the hard part.  The urge to snack is hard for most people who struggle with losing weight, but for those of us who are/were obese… it’s that much harder.  It’s an addiction… and that makes it very hard to handle.  I do well for the most part… I have maintained my weight loss these last 4 years with the exception of this 7-10 pounds I put on over the course of last summer.  I have been doing great these two weeks though, which is awesome… but it’s mostly because I am stuck at home since surgery and James is with me all the time.  It’s rough.  But I have a plan.

Besides my future tattoo being a reminder, I am making things easier for myself at home so I can be in better control.  I eat too many protein bars when they are around so I am not buying those any more… it’s just the occasional 1 here and there… like once a week.  I am also being very careful to leave myself extra calories for the late evening… since I am awake late at night and always want a snack.  The other problem area is cereal.  I don’t really have cereal for breakfast anymore but what I do instead is I will grab a small handful of cereal out of the box and have that.  I possibly do that 5-8 times a day.   Those calories add up!  And although I do count them on the app My Fitness Pal… it makes my calories go faster than I would like.

To fix this problem I have talked with the kids and we have all agreed to buy less cereal, and that when it runs out it is just out until the next grocery shopping trip comes around.  We will all think of other things to eat for breakfast… eggs, fruit, yogurt, toast, english muffins, pancakes,
muffins, etc.  This was we are ALL eating more healthier items, and I am also better equipped to eat healthy throughout the day.  I am happy to have a family that is so willing to adjust their eating habits to better help me.  I would be a mess if I was left to my own devices.

I have gotten close to losing all that weight I put on over summer… but then I have a bad few days and it comes right back.  Then I get close again… then I slip up again.  The bad eating habits I listed above are a major cause of this so I am very excited to be taking one more step to ensure my continued success at being healthy.  I WILL NEVER become obese again…. And I plan on doing whatever I can to ensure it and will always do it in the healthiest of ways.  

So, there you have it… taking control.  Better control over my emotions, and my eating habits.  I want to be able to do conquer these things in my life that in the past I have been a slave to.  Please pray for me about it… every bit of help is good right?  ;)